Sunday, January 06, 2008

Honestly Part II

Honestly, when my uncle passed away recently, I wanted to call u. I was on duty the night b4 n was getting ready for the handing over/taking over for the following day duty personnel when my dad called me. I got the bad news. My uncle been suffering from stomach cancer. We onli found out when it was in the later stages. It was so bad that it spread to the lungs. It was a painful way to go for him i guess. Cant say i was sad when i got the news. Wasnt overjoyed either. All i know is that i wanted to kol u n just listen to u tok.

In some ways, i guess it helps sometyms. Listening to u tok. Especially when u in a gd mood n being very random. Don't ask me why but somehow it calms my nerves.

Few days later, the younger sis of my uncle (my aunt i guess) passed away. Not a very gd tym for me. Few days later during the 'kenduri' for my unc, my cuzin's brother in law had a stroke and is in a critical condition as i type this.

I very much wanted to talk to u.

Before all these death started, i was in a war with my mom. Been having some disagreement. Things havent been gd at work too. U see it hvnt been a gd tym for me.

I very much wanted to call u.

My band isnt doing to well too i guess.

Honestly, its cuz my relationship wif one of them hasnt been gd. Y? Cuz his behaviour is really annoying me. I'll be honest wif u. Ppl say i over reacted abt the prank. They didnt understand my anger. Well for the first tym, i'll tell the truth to my reaction here.

Honestly, rmb back to the tym we went to watch soccer together for the 1st tym. It also mark the tym when u start joining us for the lepak sessions. Not sure if u notice but one of them was acting strangely towards u. Me n another guy, we were trying hard to make u feel comfortable n fit in. Y? Cuz of a story my cuzin boasted abt to us few mths before that.

He was telling us, rmb the gal he brought for this event during that tym ( i wont mention the event), well in his word, "kite gi pasir ris park buat keje hehe" complete wif the 'hehe' He was making a mockery of u. The way he tok it was as if u were another piece of meat even tho he insist there wasnt any penetration. N we tot u were his frens. As usual, me n the guy u label as my best fren can just look at each other n shake our head feeling embarassed.

Honestly, we didnt have a gd impression of u before we met u that nite. The best part was that he told us u were coming as if we never met. Mebi he forgotten he boasted abt u b4. But fact is, u redeemed urself but showing that u r not the person who we tot u were. The guy who act strangely towards u asked me during the match "Asal die murah nye?" I kinda scolded him not to judge n to remind him that at least my cuzin insist there wasnt penetration.

A few weeks later, when u started meeting us regularly, me n my 'best fren' teased my dear dear cuzin abt wat he boasted to us b4. All he did was laff it off. He wasnt even aware how we were trying our best to mock him n made him regret his actions. In some ways, i guess he did regret. Cuz a few days later he 'confessed' to us that everything he told us didnt happen n it was all made up by him for wat reason? No idea.

Few mths ago, u told me that u did go to pasir ris park wif him that nite but u said nuthing happen. I didnt 1 2 tell u what he told us cuz i didnt 1 2 hurt u. None of us did. By this tym u've oredy earned respect from me n my 'best fren'.

U insist nuthing happened that nite. I'll take ur word for it. Cuz what happened that nite isnt that important to me. What infurates me is the way he acted. It disgust me they way he treated u. N worst of all, knowing that u actually had feelings for him. Thats what made me so angry. There u were hoping he'll be the one n there he is, totally disrespecting u.

Honestly, mebi i was angry at myself for never telling u the truth. N when i first tot u were really together wif him, I cldnt stand the tot of how he talked bad abt u n showed total disrespect for u n never apologised. No matter how he say he cares, in my eyes u;re just a piece of meat to him. Thats y i got very angry.

Honestly, everytym i listen to the stories of lyf i also wonder is this the way u really 1 2 live ur lyf? I know things hvnt been gd to u too but pls, i beg u, it doesnt have to be this way. U cld have a better lyf. U dont have to stick to ppl lyk him. U deserve better. Dont be so scared to open up. Dun listen to ppl. U r 1 very special gal. Just be urself. Cuz u're just so amazing when u're urself n not purposely being mean.

Honestly, u asked me y am i so quiet a few days ago, truth is, i dowan 2 bother u wif my worries n my lyf. I very much wanted to tok to u especially when everything seems to go wrong for me. But, I feel that mebi im in ur way. I've always felt lyk im in ur way. I dowan 2 be a bother to u. Mebi u're better without me in ur lyf. So u wldnt have to worry abt hurting me due to the way i feel anymore. I noe how bad u felt when u found out the way i reacted abt the prank. I noe u felt so guilty. U even tried to hide the fact that u cried.

Honestly, I wanted to win the competition i entered for u. I even promised u i wld buy the thing u wanted if i won. I wasnt joking abt that even if u think i was. I wish i had the luxury to get u what u want. I wish i cld see u smile all the tym.

Honestly, i'm hurting ryt now. N thats the reason y im keeping my distance. I dowan to bring u down. Feelings cant be forced n i dont 1 u 2 feel bad cuz u dun feel the same way as i do.

I very much wanted to kol u.

So, i guess this is gdbye. Take care of urself aite. Don't let anyone bring u down. I noe for a fact u r not as bad as u think u r. Be happy k. Never think u're such a bad person. Don't think u're useless. I swear, u're special. U're beautiful. N i dont mean just on the outside. I'm glad i got know who u really r. N before i go, before i say my final gdbye, pls don't holdit against me to say smth for the 1st n probably last tym... I love you...

Gd bye my fren. Take care.

Shad checked in on...Sunday, January 06, 2008

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Honesty...

A few days ago i had a dream about her again. As usual, in the dream we were happy together. Then i woke up and again as usual, the realisation of it just being a dream came in n it felt as if i've just been run over by an 8 wheeler truck.

I feel that mebi its tym for me to be honest here today. The reason y my blog seems so dead is simple. Honestly cuz i once blogged abt this person n found out later she read it. I was dumbfounded. So i sort of blog very irregularly so that mebi that person wld get tired of the same old post n stop checking in. I think it worked....

Y not just create a new blog u mite ask, haiz truth is i have no mood to go thru the trouble. My mood have been so down in some ways that i've sort of kept to myself alot.

Anyways, This entry shd be abt honesty. I hvnt been honest, not even to myself. I've been keeping too many feelings to myself till recently a fren of mine said that the problem wif me is that i don't voice out my feelings enuf. And he feels that i shd be more open wif my feelings. Especially if someone close to me, someone who grew up wif me have become sumone i dislike alot.

I don't mean to keep things to myself just that i feel that i've talked enuf to the person concerned. N everytym, he chg back to his old self but it doesnt last long. What can I say When I no longer know what to do.

Another matter i've not been honest to ppl much nowdays is abt my fear of slping, or rather my fear of waking up from my slp. Mebi fear is the wrong word to use but i really dread waking up sometyms. N it happens whenever i have dreams lyk the one i mentioned above. Truth is, there have been quite a number of tyms when i dreamt that we were together n only god knows how to describe how i felt in those dreams. Truthfully, as cliche as it may sound, i've never knew that kind of happiness ever. It doesnt matter if we didn't do much in the dream, just a simple walk ard some mall or whateva, but the feeling i felt was so real. I dun noe how to put it in words. But everything abt the dreams seem so real. N so the moment i wake up, realising it was nothing but fiction, i duno....it makes me wish that i'd never wake up at all, ever. The disappointment is so damn heavy that its hard for me to get up and face the new day.

Honestly ppl may think I'm over-reacting or obsessed or wateva but truth is, i wish that I could be the one who makes u smile the way u do ard certain special individuals, i wish that i could be the one to make u laugh till tears r found in ur eyes. I wish that i could make u feel happy, loved, comforted, needed....I wish that I could be the one to wipe ur tears away when u cry. I wish that i could be the one....

Honestly, as of this moment, ur happiness is smth i think abt most of the tym. I feel so good to see u smile, to see u happy. Correct me if im wrong but u seemed happy during ur bday. I was happy too, seeing u in that state. Deep down, frankly, i pray that mebi just mebi, i was partly responsible for making u feel that way but....i doubt so.

Sometimes thinking back, i feel that i'm being disillusional for thinking that i have a chance. I know i'm not ur type and honestly, i don't think i'll ever be ur type. I mean, i realise we live in 2 different world and we r 2 different ppl.

Someone once said to me, mebi if i had the looks or body of Keanu Reeves den mebi things wld be different. No matter how much i hope and pray its not true, i got to face reality. I'd do anything within my resources, control and power for u but truth is, i noe i don't have much to offer u. Rite now, it seems lyk i can onli give u words, words of comfort, words to attempt to win ur heart. Problem is, words have never mean that much to me.

I dun have this extraodinary knowledge of computers or other stuff to help u out when u need it. I don't have the cash to bring u out n accompany u here and there. Im not rich enuf to buy u stuff or bring u out for shopping which u love doing so much. I don't have any means of transport to bring u out in the middle of the nite to places of interest and watch the sunrise and to finally send u home after a long tiring nite. I don't have the charm to make u trust me to follow me to where ever i want to bring u to. And due to the lack of transport, I don't have the time to bring u ard the world to enjoy urself. I don't have any of that luxury. Not even one.

There are tyms where i find myself sitting down and wondering, Why? Why can't i have u? Am i not good enuf for u? Am i not 'FIT' enuf for u? Is it becuz I'm not rich enuf to give u wat u want? U say u love u'r freedom. So will I take ur freedom away if u somehow ever find a way to accept me? I duno....

U say u 1 2 enjoy urslef for now. For me, its tym for me to learn to take my responsibility as a man. Do u noe how it felt when i nearly lost my dad a few years ago. Seeing how my mum, my sis just crumbled under all that pressure after relying on my dad for so much. I had to step up. I had to represent the family. Even tho things turned out fine back then, i tasted what it was lyk and realised i wasnt prepared if my father had passed on. It hit me lyk nuthing ever cld. Slowly i changed and even tho it took a long tym for me to chg, bottom line is i did. Was it by coincidence that i stop drinking a few weeks after getting to noe u? I duno.

Few mths back those few of losing my dad came abt again. It was during the period of my bday. Thankfully, this tym i was more prepared. I was no longer the scared teenager. I stood up n sucessfully convincced my family that everything was gonna be fine. U see thats wat u do when u care for ppl, u try ur best to ensure them tat everything is gonna be ok n u oso try ur best to make sure it happens. N u have no idea how fast u brought me up to cloud 9 when u msged me asking abt my dad's condition. It showed to me u cared. U have no idea how it brought a smile to my face, how that simple question gave me more strength to help my family out...

But oh how fast was i brought down again within a matter of 2 days. I can never forget how i felt when i 1st saw u in his hands. I rmb thinking it was just my paranoid imagination at 1st but when i cldnt dismiss it away as my imagination, nausea took over. i felt lyk vomiting everything i ate. I cldnt even eat the cake u bought for me. Till today i can never understand as to y both of u did it. I can never understand y he want to hurt me so bad. I mean cmon, supposedly he wants to prank everyone, sure. Thats y he choose such a tym ryt. N frankly I don't think the others wld care much if u 2 end up together. But he knew i wld.

I can never understand y u went along with it even if u initially didn't want too. Bottom line is, u did. U knew it wldnt affect the feelings of anybody else but me and still u went with it. Don't get me wrong, im no longer angry wif it n i forgive u but honestly, i will never understand ur actions n i cant deny that i dont feel hurt even a little bit even after all this tym. I guess the deepest cuts takes the longest to heal. I can only thank god that i had a fren who stood up n tell me the truth to keep me sane. Many things didn't add up for me that night till i got the truth. N imagine how i felt sitting beside him n pretending that nuthing was wrong for god noes how many hours after i knew the truth.I forgave u, but don't blame me if i cant forget it.

U're an enigma to me. There's so much of u that i noe, i can predict so many of ur actions but yet there are still many things abt u and what u do that i can never understand. And honestly, i wish n hope u'll give me a chance to fully understand u and not just dissapear from my life. Every addiction cant be striked out cold turkey. In some ways, u r my addiction. And once, u did leave me cold for 1 month.

Honestly, when u 1st said to me u cant continue being so close to me after knowing how i felt, i didn't blame u. I tot, ok, I'll just take wat u were willing to give me and teach myself to live with it. But as it turns out, u wldnt even reply my well wishes for ur trip to melake. It seems lyk i was dead to u. For 1 mth, i kept asking myself, what wrong did i do to u? Did i hurt u so badly that u'd no longer tok to me. Even as a fren? N yet u entertain those who weren't sincere to u. I ask god what wrong did i do? I have been nuthing but sincere to u. Even if u didn't love me back, at the very least i tot i was a fren. Yet it seems lyk i was the enemy. I endured a mth not knowing how u were. A month wondering if u're happy. A month sleepless nite hoping u'll get bored enuf to call me. But nuthing happened.

When u finally msg me after more den a mth to kol ur hp, i was stunned yet relieved. I guess u have that effect on me. Not many ppl can make me dumbstruck or awestruck lyk u do.

Rmb once, u called me after sch. I was still stuck in the office n we talk for abit. I didnt tok much if u notice. Den u mentionted that u were gg to a certain someone's place in jurong. Suddenly i became hyper n cracking jokes n shit lyk nobody business. N u stunned me by askin if i was okay. U saw rute thru me. U said u knew how i jovial i became when im done. U saw thru my facade.

Yes its true, behing those jokes i crack, those puns i project, the pranks i pull the humour i bull, i'm hurting. Its all an act. A cry for help. Not many understood that or pretend not to understand. Instead they questioned y i do the stuff i do. Yet u saw thru me.

Again i say, honestly, sometyms i feel lyk mebi u shd be wif a certain cuzzin of mine and that i've been in ur way all this while. I duno y. But 2 ppl dismiss that notion as soon as i mention it. They said they dun bliff he can make u happy. I duno, mebi if i didn't get in the way in the 1st place, mebi he wldnt have turn out this way.

Another truth i have to voice out now, after every solat, i pray for u. I pray that somehow god can soften this hardened heart of urs n not let u be so stubborn. I hope mebi wif u being less stubborn, u'd be happier n not be so angry and angsty all the tym. I pray that u be happy. Even if its not wif me.

I noe its been a long entry but onli becuz all this while i have had so much to say to u, so much to pour out but i cant never find enuf words our enuf courage. There r so many more things left unsaid. I bet if i knew all the words in all the languages in the world, i still wont be able to find the words to describe how i feel. The enigma, the mystery. I cant tell u how beautiful u r in my eyes. Even when ur hair is all messy, without make up on, when u're not dressed up. I've seen u at ur worst, when u just woke up and yet u're still so beautiful to me. So adorable. So precious.

U say u 1 2 enjoy urself for now, U say u love ur freedom. To me, i say u're afraid of commitment. U're afraid to get hurt. I wish i cld somehow explain to u that i'd never hurt u intentionally. Honestly, i have been nuthing but sincere to u.

What can I say when I no longer know what to do, I guess u'll never know what i'll do for u. I tried so hard to write a song for u but i guess my words will never do. What can i say when i no longer know what to do, what shd i do wen i'm with u? I hate this awkwardness when i lie to u, when i say that i'm ok. I know ur heart belongs to sumone else but i wanted u to noe, no matter what u need, no matter when u need that i'll still be there for u. And for how special u have been, for all the joy u bring, i want to thank u. What can i say, what can i do and i'll still be there for u. I cannot help just how i feel and i want to thank u. I'll train myself to listen in my sleep if u shd ever tok in ur dreams and i just want to shelter u away from all the hurt and pain that u've been facing all ur lyf and i'll still be there for u. No matter what u need, i'll still be there for u, for all the joy u bring, i want to thank u. No matter what i'll do, i'll still be there for u and for getting to know u, i want to thank u.

Shad checked in on...Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Too old to bother, too young to care...

Ever reach that stage in ur lyf where u find urself too old to bother abt stuff n yet too young to care abt what's gonna happen....I guess there's not really and age grp that falls under this, its really just a phase that ppl sometyms go thru. Im kinda gg thru this phase, i've been gg thru it for the past 3-4 years...i hope its not permanent cuz the feeling is kinda dready....

Im at the point of my lyf where i'm taking tym to think, shd i chg? or shd i stick to the way i was....especially when it comes to socializing. Everyday i sit for some tym n ponder abt this age-old question onli to realise the obvious....n that is u chg some stuff abt u n keep some memories abt what made u who u r. For examples, my attitude towards celebrating my birthday.

My fren ask me a few days ago, y do i lyk to keep my bday such a secret. Well i have my reasons. Im thru explaining. And what happen this year fully motivates me not to celebrate my bday again. I won't go into details but it's been a trying tym for me wif everything happening at once and add in fatigue, u got urselves one cranky hot-tempered fella. My mum has this theory where im afraid to grow older and tats y keep my bday a secret. I can onli laff at her face cuz Im very proud of my age as my age shows the world how long i've been experiencing everything that's been gg on. Honestly, growing older is smth im not afraid off. Partly cuz it brings me one step closer to completing this lyf. Dun get me wrong, im not suicidal. Its just that ppl say lyf is a lesson n u'll learn it when its thru ryt. Well, yah, i 1 2 learn that lesson. I want to noe this impt lesson that all of us have to noe by gg thru this weird, unfair, exciting, irritating, wonderful thing called lyf. I wonder if its worth finding out but noeing the wonders of what god can do, i guess i can put my doubts aside. Wait, i mean im sure i can cast aside my doubts.

One common thing ppl say abt me is that I'm kinda crazy, im weird, im funny, im emotional n so on....and most of my frens wonder y i do the stuff i do. The secret is simple. Im trying to find sumone. Sumone who won't bother abt y im doing such stuff but who wld trust me enuff to join in the fun. Onli problem is, at an age where acting is ur second nature, how do i noe if i found the ryt person or not?

Moving on, sumtyms it hurts to find out the true colors of the ppl close to u. Sometyms its expected. No one will really noe a person to the fullest. Thats y i usually show ppl the minimum of myself. I seldom open myself up to ppl. No matter how long i've known sumone. I guess it doesnt matter how long u known sumone, what matters is how well u noe him or her. Yet even thru this thick, tall wall of mine, some ppl are starting to see the real me. Starting to understand how i react to certain situations. To those who are successful, i applaude u. Qns is, what r gg to hurt me or r u gg to try to make me happi or r u just gonna forgot the information? I guess what im trying to say is actions speaks louder den words. Dun pay attention to what i say. But look out for my actions. For i thing i can promise u, who i was before is nuthing lyk who i am now. Dun make me go back to who i was b4 whom even my current self dislikes. I was revengeful. I was emotionless. I was full of hatred, Please dun let that person resurface. Sure there's no school lyk the old school but tym changes n i trully hope i have too.

Shad checked in on...Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Monday, July 09, 2007

O O O --- O O O

People say when lyf gives u lemons, make lemonades. i guess if lyf gives u ice-cream, den u sell ice-cream....but dun go selling it at the north-pole haha

I know lyf is like a roller coaster, breathing deeply, walking backwards, but sometyms the downs are so bad u wish it wasnt. Im not talking abt my own lyf tho, I'm fine. I'm always ok ;)

I guess I'm just peeved when i hear stories from ppl close to me abt seperation. Its so sad that these things happen so often. Sometyms i wonder what are this ppl thinking. Sometyms i doubt that they even think before they act. I feel for the children cuz the children are the one who suffer. The children are the victims.

These victims suffer so bad that they sometyms question their fate n existance. They start blaming god n ask what have they done to desrve a lyf lyk this. I guess the answer is plain simple, nothing.

I strongly believe that god knows what he's doing. I guess these things happen to those who god knows is strong enuf to handle them, provided they bliff in themselves. Now, i'm not saying all the other ppl are weak, i'm just saying that everything in lyf is a test and this is theirs. It doesnt matter what age u are, divorce hurts the children the most.

Yes it takes two hands to clap but sometyms one can be a great illusionist making the other party see what's not there. My mumonce told me to stop trying to figure out how the minds of these ppl think cuz i'll neva figure out their stupid ways but i told my mum i wasnt trying to figure things out, i was just wishing that i cld grab their heads, shake it ard lyk mad(mebi bang it against the wall a little bit too) n who noes, the cobwebs mite go away n their sense wld drop rite back in their brains cuz honestly, y bother to have kids if u dun plan to take care of them?

I pity those ppl responsible enuf but cant have children due to one problem or another. There's this one comedy i watch titled "Idiocracy". Its abt this average joe who's freezed in a military scientific experiment. He was suppose to be awaken a year later but unfortunately the scientist who was conducting the experiment was arrested for some stupid reason n the experiment was forgotten. Fast foward to the year 2505, an accident occured and finally he was awaken. By then, of course technology was much better. Everything was automated. Things was so easy for humans that they became dumb n the gist is that the average joe became the smartest man in the world.

At the begining of the show, the explained that apart from everything being automated, another reason for the human demise in intelligence was simple. Those who are responsible enuf to actually have children have onli one child or are afraid to have dem due to the fear of raising them wrong. Whereas those irresponible bastards have more children then they can handle. And their children grow up n take after their fathers and have more children till the stupid asses out populates the world n soon the mature ones become no more...

Sometyms i sit down and wonder, what is this world turning into? Y do ppl give in to temptation so easily, afterall, let's face it, most unwanted pregnancy starts from ppl who succumb to the temptation of sex. To me, this may not be the cuase of broken families but its the source of one of them. The message Live Earth gave during the weekend to me shdnt be onli abt global warming. It shd be abt lyf itself. If we dun do smth, who will?

Yes sex is nice, i wld be lying if i said otherwise. When u're doing it, the feeling is lyk no other. Some compare it to divinition, some say its addictive. Whatever it is, wldnt u lyk to share it wif sumone u really love den? Wldnt it be more satisfying? N y not do it when its legal(n i dun mean when the gal is 16 here)? I duno, i guess thats onli true to me n a few others cuz frankly, its getting harder to find ppl who share the same views as me on this topic. Especially in the army....

Sometyms i wonder y i keep on lying to myself. Sometyms i wonder how this world go on all the tym. I wonder how they keep on smiling wif all the worries in their lyf. Sometyms i wonder how they keep on living wif all the pain.

Sometyms i wonder y the are so many twist and turns. Sometyms i wonder wat's in store for me ard the bend. I wonder y there's so much hunger wif all the wealth inside this world. I wonder y there's so many lives to throw away.

Sometyms i wonder y the sun means day n the moon means nite. Sometym i wonder abt the blue blue thing that we call sky. I wonder abt the mystery of lyf n that thing we call death. I wonder abt the scenery i see outside.

And i wonder y i wrote this song> I wonder y music was born. I wonder abt the things that've gone. I wonder abt the things to come. And i wonder y i wonder abt thses stuff that no one wonders abt. And i can't believe that i'm still here to wonder abt the things i fear.....

Tjink before u act ppl. Make this world a better place....If we don't do smth, who will? Remember that my frens...peace.....

Shad checked in on...Monday, July 09, 2007

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Mirror , mirror on the wall...

Blurness. What causes it? i really duno but its a thing that i feel all suffer from haha it even happens to the smartest of us. Really...i guess thats one thing in this lyf thats not prejudice hehe A few days ago, while on the way to my aunt's clinic, i started thinking abt stuff, n an incident kept on playing n playing in my head. This incident had blurness involved in it n i cldnt stop smiling to myself alone in the train...i guess it help maintain the crazy mood i've been in the past week ( i called farhan last monday n he insisted that i was drunk wakaka). Being nice, i wont mention names but after thinking abt that person's blooper, i started thinking abt bloopers from my frens and myself...yes i admit, i've been a victim of blurness as well....

On one of those "rare" occasion, i was slacking wif roma and sadiq. It was ard 9+ and sadiq said he had to go. Without thinking i said "relax ah, the young is still early..." Imagine the stares i got from both of dem lol...well, blurness is a source of fun sometyms so just for fun, im gonna do a poll rite here to those who happen to read my blog. I'm gonna list down some incidents when ppl who are or had once been close to me experience this thing call blurness. I chose these ppl cuz i noe they r ez gg n wont mind laffing at small stuff but juz to be safe, i wont mention names...So to any reader out there, njoy n choose ur fav...feel free to share or keep it to urself...

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who's the blurest of them all.....

Incident A: I was planning a gath early this yr n was contacting a long lost fren of mine. I onli had her home number since her old hp number was not in use. But being her, she was hardly home. So after some tries, i gave up calling n instead left my hp number wif her mom in hopes that she will contact me in tym for the gath,

Well it worked, she called me back n turns out she cldnt come but said she does 1 2 keep contact. So here's wat she said n my reply...(keep in mind she called my hp)

Her: "Do u have a HP or smth that i can contact u at...?"

(Silence from me for lyk 4-5 secs) Her: "Hello?"

Me: "Erm....what number did u call?"

Her: "OH YAH..."

haha i really duno wat she was thinking. I knew she was talkative but din noe she was blur as well....

Incident B: While having a gath wif a grp of ppl, i end up distrubing another old fren of mine. Now this gal i noe is somewhat of a blur Queen but i juz din noe how blur she was....

I cant really rmb wat i was ribbing her abt but i knew i ended up singing the S-O-T-O-N-G song n she whacked me n said...(btw, this is a translated version)

Her: "Oi!, im not the sotong ok, rosz is." Turning to a fren, she asked for assurance in a very innocent way "Rite?"

God, me n a few others just burst out laffing man...she was lyk proving my point haha

Incident C: Me and a couple of my frens were slacking when one of my them turn to fad n statred calling him out loud. Everyone else except for fad turned n look at her n started laffing...y? cuz this is wat she said...

Her: "Shad." (No answer) "Shad!" (No answer) "SHAD!"

I was sitting opposite her at that tym n looked at her from the 1st tym she called out my name n was wondering wth....speechless haha

Incident D: While on the fone wif a fren of mine, she was contemplating whether she wanted to go work or skip...she was suppose to start work at 6 n it was oredy 5++ so in the end she decided to go but an hour late. This is what she said...(once again, translated version)

Her: "Nvm ah, i work from 7 to 10 ah. At least 4 hrs ok wat..."

Me: "4hrs?"

Her: "yah..."

Me: "7 to 10?"

Her (sounding irritated now): "Yah, 7 to 10. 4 HRS"

Sheesh haha i kept quiet initally cuz she really sounded tired but i cldnt help myelf hehe i asked her if she failed her maths b4 i started laffing my ass off hehe...

Incident E: As i said, blurness is not prejudice so this incident will not be abt a gal just to prove that blurness does not excuse anyone...


After a gig, my bandmates, me n some frens decide to stay overnite at a certain reservoir near thompson. I'll be nice n not reveal the place hehe...While walking towards the place an unique fren of mine pull me back n started asking me...(fyi, we had just pass a shell station)

Him (whispering): "Do u think there will be an ATM machine there?"

Seriuzly, i cldnt do anythign but just stared at him in disbelief haha i guess he was whispering cuz he din 1 the others to hear but unfortunately everyone did n everyone started laffing haha...

Incident F: This happen to one of my closest fren ever..the gal in incident B was invovled in this one too but fortunately she wasnt the blur one here...

5 of us were slacking at esplanade that fatefull nite. We were bored and the gals suggested to play truth or dare but since majority of us wasnt in the mood to do any dares, we settled for a game of truth or...truth?

Well as fate wld have is, this close fren of mine who most consider him as my bst fren, had to ask the gal in incident B a qns. Knowing how sharp my fren's tongue can be at tyms, the rest of us was expecting a somewhat funny qns...here's what happened...

Him: "K, *****, y are u so tall?"

Her: "Because of my genes i guess..."

At this point the rest of us was smilling politely at how lame the qns was den this came...

Him (fyi, he wasnt joking): "So u mean to say if u wearing skirt u wld be short ah?"

I look at him in utter shock before laffing out loud man...i mean, this guy of all ppl...most of the tym he's my partner in crime yet....haha

Incident G: This happen while me n my frens was slacking somewhr near esplanade. One of them was toking abt his silat n how he may have a chance to represent spore in the upcoming sea games. We were saying how fun it wld be lyk if he got the bonuses. He was dreaming abt getting a million bucks. So i posed him the qns what wld he do wif that sum of money...here's wat he said...

Him: "if i got 1 million bucks, i give my parents 500,000 bucks each man. Then the rest i use to set up a business..."

Me: "Eh wait, the rest u set up a business?"

Him: "yah sia"

Me: "Lyk that confirm bankrupt..."

Him: "Wah lau, u bad sia..."

Me: "No seriuzly, u give ur parents 500,00 bucks each, means u aint got no money left...how 2 set up business??? haha"

I dun think there is a need to explain this further haha

I guess lyf is funny that way, cuz this type of shit happens even to the best of us. We wont noe how it hit us. It'll make us laff, be speechless or juz plain shake our heads. but main thing is that it cheers us up a little. thats y i love slacking/lepaking alot. cuz if u notice, majority of these incidents happen while im slacking. N trust me, there's many more tat i cant rmb rite now. Slacking is the best.

Y do i say this all of a sudden? Cuz reccently a fren of mine said to me that I was a "mat" n i hang out wif the "mats & minahs" n wonder y we lyk to lepak so much. I told him mat is juz short for muhammad. Dun need to generalise things. I dun really care if ppl wants to call me mat or not. Seriuzly it doesnt bother me. Abt the 2nd part, Y i lyk to "lepak" so much...? The answer is simple...some call it lepak, some call it chilling some call it slacking some call it hanging out. Call it wat u want, its the same bloody thing n everyone is guilty cuz everyone does it. Dun look down on ppl juz cuz they call it lepak...cuz u go slacking. Its the same blody thing. Just in different language. Basic principle of all those things is to relax n have fun. Dun blame me for wanting that cuz i noe u do it too haha

OUTZ....

Shad checked in on...Thursday, June 21, 2007

Thursday, June 14, 2007

On Fine Day

I had intended to blog abt my crazy day today, a day full of pranks, jokes n basically juz funny stuff but i feel that mebi i shd adress smth more impt.

Its abt this certain gal. I duno if u still read my blog but I'm just got write this down anyways.

I must say that i am slightly offended by u asking me to stop wat i'm doing cuz this is going nowhere. Dun get me wrong, I'm not offended by the nowhere part, that i know. I'm offended by u saying stop wat im doing. Cuz frankly im not sure wat u toking abt.

I think back, the last tym we tok was last tuesday. Seriuzly, i can't think of anything that makes u say that cuz i treated u lyk i wld to a normal fren. The most was i teased u wif a few ppl who i wont mention names here. Mebi u mistook it for jelousy. Now, i'm not gg to pretend that my feelings for you is gone but my teasing, it isnt jelousy of any sort. It was typical me. I like to tease n joke ard. Rmb when teratai had dilema of who to choose? Rmb me teasing her lyk there's no tmr? That's just what i do...

Frankly, yeah i do have feelings for you but lyk i said b4, i accept the fact that im onli a fren and nuthing more. U can ask roma if u dun bliff me. Why, just last wk i had this conversation wif him abt me giving up hope and wanting to move on. N when i say i accepted my role as a fren, i really mean it. i bear no jelousy to those guys cuz i noe u're gonna end up wif someone. Sooner or later. I hole no grudges of any sort. I swear.

I had the urge to assure you just now thru sms. To explain to u how I'm feeling now but i tot otherwise. Cuz 1stly, i dun think u were in the mood to listen my explaination. 2ndly, i guess if thats wat u wanted den....

The reason y i keep quiet when u tok abt guys is simply cuz i just duno wat to say. I mean, cmon, im a guy sia, wat can i possibly say? I dun even say much when one of my bro tok to me abt how cute or pretty or sexy a gal is. The onli tym i usually say smth is if they ask me for advise on certain gals...Seriuzly, there's no more jelousy. Just acceptance. And acceptance, u may find out, is a strong emotion.

I duno, mebi u get the idea of me being jelous cuz i sound irritated, To be honest, i sound that way cuz of the way u answer me sometyms. I mean cmon, sometyms i tok to u nicely and all i get is "jgn kaypoh"...Seriuzly, is that how u answer ur other frens? U say its hard to go back to normal frens? Mebi its cuz u noe abt my feelings for u. Seriuzly, forget abt that. I mean, when was the last tym i brought it up? I cant rmb.

Abt those other stuff lyk wake up kols n stuff. I do that for other ppl too. I even offered teratai in front of u once. It got nuthing to do wif how i feel. Abt nagging at u wen u cabut sch? God, ask roma at the number of tyms i did tat to him. Ask him how i pestered him to go back to sch wen he quit...I care cuz tats wat frens do.

When u smsed me this afternoon saying mebi we shd stop toking on the fone now, i seriuzly wanted to argue my case. Cuz 1stly, to me, ending it this way wld simply make things more awkward. I mean give me tym to prove that im not hoping for anything more den frens. I duno mebi u just need the space. Its ok...

More importantly y i dun 1 this 2 stop...? The reason is simple. I guess i juz need a companion to tok too. I admit, i noe loads of ppl but the problem is there's onli a handful who i can really tok too. N those ppl happen to be roma, teratai, ahmad, yazid and u. N now, Roma has just enlisted. Tai n ahmad will be too bz enjoying their new found adventure. Yazid is bz wif work and his family...

I guess if u no longer 1 2 tok to me its ok...but i admit, the tyming sux...i respect ur decision...but damn...i really need a companion...not to tok abt my lyf, sumone to just laff wiff or sometyms, at....

But thats that i guess, just rmb, if u need sumone, any no one seems to be ard. Find me k. I bear no grudges n honestly, dun woory abt my feelings k. I seriuzly given up. Beyond hope. I noe, u made it clear a long tym ago nothings gonna happen. I swear.... Take Care my fren....

PS - Honestly, i hope our conversations wldnt end cuz i really need to laff....

OUTZZ...

Shad checked in on...Thursday, June 14, 2007

Friday, May 25, 2007

The Truth

Si je pourrais, je voudrais seulement te faire le sourire, si vous voulez le séjour avec moi pendant quelque temps.

J'ai essayé ainsi écrire dur une chanson pour toi mais moi deviner que mes mots ne feront jamais.


Shad checked in on...Friday, May 25, 2007