Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Bored...

Haizz...i damn bored now...in java lab...suppose 2 do java but no mood...my moods have been up n down lately...want 2 start keeping low profile now...haiz...haiz...guess now i really noe the meaning so close yet so far...suddenly nothing much 2 say lah...

Shad checked in on...Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Monday, August 23, 2004

Soft Spoken?

Eh forgot smth...my lecturer say i soft spoken!!! hahaha sadly i duno her name...only noe her as LIMAH...i tink tats Mdm Lim A H...duno but e main thing is tat i SOFT SPOKEN hahaha FINALLY...THE TRUTH IS UNVEILED!!! HAHAHA

Shad checked in on...Monday, August 23, 2004

Jealousy, evil yet essential....

Finally im back here....a bit malu today...been quiet abt me bdae e past few weeks... dowan ppl 2 remember...but sumhow...sum ppl dun 4get...reminds me of the saying 'an elephant never forgets' ;) hehe jgn terase eh sape2...niways...started on friday...during VB yazid kol 2 wish advance bdae...haiz...duno hw he remember...den on sat, ahmad's turn as i gg hm from work...haiz...den sunday came...yah e big day...everting gg well...only maryam, yazid n ahmad noe...e whole mornin i was hapi cuz it seems tat even my family forget...was hapi, seriuzly...finally get sum peace on my bdae...den found out maryam go remind my sis....den my whole family noe...sheesh den came out all those bdae wishes...blehx...den monday i go sch hopin they 4get...turns out azie, fiz n sam din...sian lah...got a ciggy for a present haha...my 2nd gift...e ist was from maryam...she got me a sling bag...oh yeah...while working got msg from zuli...she wish oso...duno hw she remember....hate my birthday....duno y...from last tym...always feel sad...mebi cuz it reminds me os asri's death...damn...he was so young...onli 15....well hope its e last i hear abt my bdae tis yr...well mebi i dun hate it...juz awkward abt it...its juz a normal day 2 me...

Niway, i noe wat i do hate...jealousy...yet im still guilty of it...i guess u can control it...jealousy just spoils my mood...yet its true wen ppl say jealousy is important coz they will onli be jelez cos they love u...haiz...i duno lah....really duno how 2 describe abt the green-eyed monster....damn

Shad checked in on...Monday, August 23, 2004

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Test, test, testin 1,2,3

Haiz tis idiotic blog damn sian lah...duno wats wrong sia...cant see my last entry unless i click on e latest archive...thought mebi my pc at hm prob, but same thing happen at school...now having java wif e year ones...damn bored sia, no one i noe...n i kinda lazy 2 make frenz wif dem lah...sheesh...

Shad checked in on...Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Monday, August 16, 2004

Halfway Down The Line....

Sometyms i sit in my room facing all my fears alone,
Tears running down my cheeks, washing iy all away,
N now i cannot see the light that used 2 shine my way,
Trapped in a gloom of darkness, i cannot find my way,

Chorus:
But how cld i, tot that everything was fine,
When i can't survive,
No other way, i can survive,
Cuz im halfway down, halfway down the line...

Looking up i see the bright blue sky, making me wishing i cld fly,
Setting away from all my problems in tis world...
N now i finally realise, how much more happy i cld be,
When my mind is gone n im not crying in despair...

Chorus...

Once again i see the sky is blue, not knowing wat 2 do
N where tis is leading 2...
Life is short, so lets do smth new, n lets not join e que
Before my tym is due....

Chorus...

-END-

Tis is one of my songs tat is close 2 my heart...till tis day, tis is hw i feel...
tat is if u cant understand it...those hu are close 2 me claim they understand...i'll neva noe will i...wish life cld be easier...every tym i tink my lyf is gg smoothly, smth bad happen...haiz...n when i see those special ppl(mamy wld refer 2 dem as mentally handicapped), i envy dem...they live lyf wif not much worries or despair...but one gd thing abt me, wen im always at my lowest, wen im on the verge of giving up, i see my loved ones down 2 n i always manage 2 pull myself up 2 help dem...or at least i tink i help....





Shad checked in on...Monday, August 16, 2004

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Dance sum more....dance...faster, i record hehe

Haizz...today damn boring lah...waste tym only at sch...came2 sch at 12 expectin a 2hr long tutorial...but e lecturer din turn up...another good example for me 2 follow...hmmm den finish up e project thingy n din do nutin much except slacking wif mizi, ivan, janson n samuel...den wen for lab lesson...e same lecturer din turn up...heard she on MC today lah...niways stayed a while at e lab juz havin fun for a while...juz need 2 cheer myself up a bit...den notice azie n sam tokin 2 hazwan, e PMS guy, so decided 2 poke sum fun n stand behind e bugger n laff at azie n sam...den e bugger notice n he quickly tried 2 squeeze me dick...SIOW!!! luckily my reflex good...he maybe gay, but im not sia...den azie so hapi abt tat...she siow lah...duno y she lyk so much sia..until she start dancin...haha yah she dance...den i took sam's hp 2 record ah...but by tat tym she did e ONE HAND COVER FACE dance...haha so i record lah...as in video tape haha damn funny...sam, dun forget 2 send me k..heheh den i put here so everyone can see hahaha

haha so other den tat nuting much happen ah...haiz....duno y i no mood lah...juz mizz my guitar so much...its the only thing to make me cheer so far...outzzz....

Shad checked in on...Thursday, August 12, 2004

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Why???

Another day juz passing by,
Hanging out wif my bez frenz,
Felt e sea breeze across my face,
Got a qns inside my head,
Thinking from e hands of tym,
Watchin as e sea crawl by,
Once again i ask myself,
Why, oh why cant i have u?

Chorus:
Am i not gd enuf?
Am i not fit enuf?
Am i not rich enuf 2 give u wat u want?
I am juz a guy who's askin for ur love,
2 once again, be alive....

Walkin down e streets alone,
Watching as e leaves get blown,
Thinking of e very 1st tym,
Wen i saw u in my mind,
But is it a crime 2,
Fall for one so divine,
Once again i ask myself,
Why, oh why cant i have u?

Chorus

Lead....

Chorus x3

(but 3rd chorus:)
Am i not gd enuf?
Am i not fit enuf?
Am i not rich enuf 2 give u wat u want?
I am juz a guy who's asking for ur love,
2 once again, once again, once again.....
(pause)
be alive....

Shad checked in on...Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Test again...

Haiyoh...2day got test again sia...damn boring sia...tried 2 study e past few days but cannot understand...so wen 2 sch 2day blur...had lecture...accompany G, lion, azie, fiz eat den go lib...sit wif G n lionel. Azie n fiz sit different table...den lionel become horny sia...so i ran away n sit wif azie n fiz...but fiz got class so left ne n azie...den i ask her teach me lah...den smth funny happen...filza walk by n join us...n guess wat she say? Havin tuition? sheesh...azie my tutor ah? sheesh....tats all i can say...but muz admit she's a gd teacher lah....understood wat she teach...unfortunately, wen test tym, i blur...but onli half of wat she taught me lah...haizz...end up copying wen chun paper...hmmm...2day boring lah...goin 2 eat now...outzzz

Shad checked in on...Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Monday, August 09, 2004

Mizz her voice....

haiz...been damn tired sia...let me see wat have i been doin since i last blogged...
Had work last saturday, very sian u noe...oredy so tired...tot cld slack abit wen miss yap, my manager, in e office...skali sueh sia...e shift manager from e store near intchg cum sia...den stay there duno for wat...walk2 ard...den i tot tats all...2 my bad luck, e shift manager, Ricky, oso cum...aiyoh...had 2 be on my bez behaviour u noe...damn sian...luckily all went hm ard 12+ den i slack ah...read magazine, newspaper...sit behind counter...den went hm n do nuting much lah...

Den sunday work again...but tis tym neva work alone...at 11 lyk tat uncle richard cum...he work 11am-7pm...he new u see, so i had 2 'train' him...sian sia...i juz work 2 mths n kena train ppl oredy...sheesh...miz yap siow ah...i tink she trust me 2 much sumtyms...found out from nur tat i got a gd reputation there...really arh? din noe sia...i tot i e moz slacker sia...Anyways...feel very funny lah train uncle richard...he is actually a regular customer...everyday cum e store...we even reserve a copy of today newspaper everyday...sheesh...hmmm n guess wat...e store now got 2 new workers...n since den, all e shift got short of money n mistakes...even uncle Koh shift...except...hehe my SHIFT hahaha...see i pro oredy..no problem from me oredy haha YAY! haha anyways...after work went home 2 get some slp cuz at nite had 2 jaga my nenek at hospital so had 2 rest...but wen got hm, cldnt slp ah...duno y...in e end force myself 2 squeeze in one hr of slp...

So woke up at 7.30 pray den get ready...my dad send me 2 e hospital...den find out tat my younger cuzn, Sadiq, wan 2 join me n Fadhly look after our granny...so wen i reach my aunt, unc n cuzins wen hm...leave me n sadiq, diq for short...fadhly havent reach yet...so i told diq 2 do his hmwork while i hold my nenek's hand...she's tat way...wen awake, she wants 2 hold sumone's hand...so i hold...she needs assurance i guess...so anyway diq suddenly ask me wat color is frangipani?...i oso not sure...but i asked him back, u noe wat it means wens u suddenly smell that scent? haha he oso noe...means got pontianak(a female vampire i guess)...den smth funny happen...a few minits after tat ah...on my right side very nice smell...lyk sum kind of perfume...i tot lyk very funny rite...cuz i dun feel anytink...usually i wld feel...so i ask diq, she got use any perfume or not?...he say noe...sheesh...so i start reading sum verse of e quran...after half an hour it bcame stronger...so i asked diq 2 hurry up do his work n hold my nenek hand cuz i wan 2 do a special prayer...tats wen i found out tat e smell came from e air freshner tat my aunt put n neva tell me...diq oso 4got abt it...sheesh...make me worry for my nenek onli...hmm den after a while my nenek fell aslp...as i was holdin my hand n looking at her slping so peacefully...i tot 2 myself...i'm neva gona hear her voice again...she lost her ability of speech...im gona miz her voice...used 2 tok 2 her abt alot of stuff...sure i cld tok 2 her still, but i wldn't get any response...really gona miz her voice...so for e 1st tym since she was warded in e hospital, i felt lyk crying...but no, i cant cry, i muz be strong...i oredy seen my strong uncles n aunties n mum break down n cry...i must b strong...for them...juz lyk they have been strong for me n my cuzins wen we needed dem...cuz they juz have a very weak spot for their mother...but im not surprised...my nenek has always been very popular 2 all her children, siblings, cuzins n frens...she is a well lyked person...muz be strong for her n dem...juz wish wen my tym comes, ppl will care for me juz lyk they care for her now...so for e very 1st tym i will say tis...I Love u nenek...i'll pray for u....


Shad checked in on...Monday, August 09, 2004

Friday, August 06, 2004

The Village....

Hmm...wen 2 watch e village 2day. Went wif bia. Its a gd show....if u lyk thinking kinda shows...M.Night Shyamalan shows all gd lah...really respect him...his movies really stimulates e mind...not gg 2 spoil u all by telling wat happens...go watch urself k...even Glenn Ong went 2 watch twice...

Anyway creeoy ting happened 2dae...ivan lah...bury his own grave...he was telling us abt his experience in pri n sec sch...he say wen they pee they look at each other's...sheesh...den can say things lyk "very fun n exciting", "the feelings was there" sheesh...dun blame us if we tink he gay ok...siow lah he...n e whole tym he keep touching bryan...eeeeyuckzzzz.....

Niway, realized tat din do much 2dae...wen sch, did test...tink i flunk tat...lepak wif e 03s 2dae heard lots of lame jokes...felt creepy abt ivan...blah blah blah...
Den meet bia...found out tat we can say sori 2 e dust bin;) hehehe den watch e show...had lunch n wen NTUC...basically din do much but tok lah...which is ok wif me cuz tired ah...now juz bored den found out can drink water wen u havent pour water in e cup ;) hehehe

k lah....dun mean 2 laff at e person heheh outzz....

Shad checked in on...Friday, August 06, 2004

War is Over

Hate wars...hmm want to thank hose hu have been giving me support thru my taggie...so now u guys finally find out wats gg thru my head huh....well i guess its e same for most ppl...no matter hu they are, be it e smartest guy i town, e class clown, a popular sportsman, war veteran...hueva lah, deep inside their heads, they usually are dissing themselves or criticising themselves...its human nature i guess...mebi its juz a way for us 2 achive better...i woke up 2dae kinda weak...

I tink cuz my bomb shelter is too old, its getting weak...after withstanding bomb after bomb, bombshell after bombshell, it seems as if its startin 2 crack...need 2 get a new contractor lah...need 2 renovate it. Wonder if Phua Chu Kang interested in e job hmmm....?

Well, i tink i juz do it myself lah...no money 2 hire contractor lah...where's e cement ah....

Shad checked in on...Friday, August 06, 2004

Thursday, August 05, 2004

DowN n OuT

U noe ppl tend 2 ask hw can such a thing called 'love' hurt so much...its a common qns i noe...e thing is...love hurts....its e truth...no pain in love is not love...
U see, its cuz wen u luv sumone, u tend 2 want them 2 be happy...so u tend 2 make sacrifices for dem...n wen u make sacrifice, u will get hurt...cuz e meaning of sacrifice is actually doin smth painfull 2 urself for e happiness of others...so u see where e pain part cums in? But 2 me, e most painful part of luv is not knowin wen its true...how can we ever now we've found it?? N is it worth e pain we go thru 2 find it? Im startin 2 doubt it...All e uncertainty is killing me lah...sick n tired of it...I guess im kinda down n...im not sure abt e out part yet...but i dun tink im tat far...'AKAN DATANG' Hmmm....every day i wake up n i try my bez 2 be happy...and lyk always, i fail. I guess i'll always be a failure... Can't even keep a band together. N many ppl noe how much tym n effort i put in tat...

My only achivement so far, 5th in class in pri 5(25th in e whole level), a prize in pri 6 for readin e most number of books in e level, top in accounts in my 2nd year of sec 3, top in class for 2 common test n 5th in class for both final n mid yr exams in 2nd yr of sec 3 too, perform during teachers day in sec 4 n juz reccently, perform in the tapestry gig. Pathatic huh? N all tat i tink i can sum up as lucky except for a few...i mean wats so hard abt readin books? anyone can do it... Apart frm those mentioned above, i screw up in wateva i do. Gotta buff up man...gotta get stronger...

Ppl advise me not 2 think abt stuff too much, dun read into ppl's actions too much. But how can i not? Yah sure i noe ignorance is bliss but the last tym i brush stuff aside, i end up hurting one of my closest fren...i dowan tat 2 happen again...
Tym changes things, ppl change. Best frens can becum strangers. If so, y is it so hard for me 2 change? C'mon shad, buck up, be strong! Emotions onli make u weak. Push dem away man...u dun get tat much hapi emotions anyway...shut dem out man...

Well tats me...a born loser...dun be tricked by how hapi i look everyday...ppl may not tink so but i tink i can act well...but no matter wat i guess i'll always be ok. So pls, to those hu read tis, dun ask. Juz dun ask...i'm ok, i'm always ok...

Shad checked in on...Thursday, August 05, 2004

Hold On

This world
This world is cold
But you don't
You don't have to go
You're feeling sad, you're feeling lonely, and no one seems to care
You're mother's gone and your father hits you
This pain you cannot bear

But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know

Your days
You say they're way too long
And your nights
You can't sleep at all
Hold on
And you're not sure what you're waiting for, but you don't want to no more
And you're not sure what you're looking for, but you don't want to no more


But we all bleed the same way as you do
And we all have the same things to go through

Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on


What are you looking for?
What are you waiting for?
Do you know what you're doing to me?
Go ahead...What are you waiting for?


Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Don't stop looking, you're one step closer
Don't stop searching, it's not over
Hold on if you feel like letting go
Hold on it gets better than you know
Hold on


Tis song s by Good Charlotte...Juz wanted 2 share it with u all cuz i tink e msg in tis song is for everyone...juz hold on my frenz....

Shad checked in on...Thursday, August 05, 2004

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Regrets....

Ppl say tat we shdnt keep feelings 2 ourself...tat if we dun tell ppl abt hw we feel, we may regret it cuz sumtyms tommorrow neva cums....as i sit here tinking abt tat, i wonder hw true is tat...sum tyms i wish i neva had opne my mouth...there've been so many tings tat i've said tat i regret...i mean being sum one hu always screws up, wen i say hw i feel, i not onli hurt n complicate tings for myself but for others too...i need 2 learn 2 shut my mouth up n take all the hurt n complication all 2 myself...i've done it b4, i'm sure i can do it again...mebi change isn't always for e gd...mebi i've bcum 2 strait foward...hu noes...

Ppl always say if they cld turn back tym they wld make things better or, for the hopeless romantics, they wldnt change a thing cuz they found the love of their lyf...for me,i duno...if tym happen 2 turn back for me, i'll still be the same confused person...sum say im strong n can take alot...haizz...juz wish ppl stop expectin things from me...sure i always seem 2 be ok wen bad things happen...but im tired of bein e patient n calm one...wonder y ppl close 2 me expect me 2 be tat way. Well, all i can say now is tat i shd try keeping mum abt hw i feel from now on...even if i live 2 regret it...pain is such a norm 2 ppl, wonder y it still so hard 2 handle it...

So...shd i juz keep things 2 myself or jz b strait fowrd lyk i am now...got 2 find my way in tis life....DAMN!!!

Shad checked in on...Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Complications

Complications....
Tats not the way i live my lyf
but sum way, sum hw,
it always find me,

Conversation....
Tats juz the start of all good byes
i need sum misery
out of my life...

But wat do i get...
From tis lyf, wen its hanging by a thread,
Hw do i 4get...
All tis pain, everytym i see e light,

So tell me hw,
hw do i,
go on from here

So tell me why,
why shd i,
go on....?

God Help Me Now....

Hmmm tis is one of my latest songs...not completed tho...not even sure if im keeping it...big problem in e band nw...fadhly nw mood swing sia...sumtym say play power metal...sum tym say experiment ard...nw say power metal again...wat sia...den wat abt our originals sia?? Not power metal wat...proven at e gig tat ppl agree with e songs...now want 2 change??? Hw sia...hmmm juz hope things turn out fine lah...i oso duno wats happenin 2 me...been avoiding all my problems recently...so unlike me sia...usually i settle dem...really tired ah...want 2 sleep oso problem...get nitemares...Fuck tis shit! Fuck tis lyf! Fuck tis pain! Fuck all tis tiredness man! need sum relief...god help me...wen do i get peace??? Neva i guess...y shd i?wat gd have done 2 get it anyway...hmm...i mean there's no peace in tis world....so y shd i of ppl get it....outzzz

Shad checked in on...Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

haizz....I need my SLEEP!!!!

hmmm damn tired...still not getting enuf slp...insomia comin back i guess...haizz but its gd 2 noe tat my lecturers actually care for us...Mr Milton Choo actually ask hw was my grandmother...he remembered...hmm i tot he forgot...not important 2 him wat...woke up early 2dae...had 2 go 2 my aunt's hse...look after my granddad...my aunt had 2 sent her son 2 a special class..he got sum kind of sickness which affect his studies...dylexia or smth lyk tat...juz noe tat his older brother had it n becuz of e classes he did well...yeah...so...me n fadhly again 2 e rescue...hmm sumtyms kinda frustratin e way we always kena help...its tym our younger cuzins learn 2 help. We were their age wen we start helping out...actually, even younger...i guess e frustrating part is tat we're gettin buzier as we grow older n still we have 2 help...its tiring us out...hmmm damn sian lah now days...takin one day at a tym...so many problems 2 face n solve...so many complications...luckily my frens here 2 help make me smile...hmmm...u all noe lionel so kpo...i typing e read..kehpo sey...cant wait till i post arh??? hahaha k lah...i going hm now...oh did i mention i was in sch.....???

Shad checked in on...Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Monday, August 02, 2004

Losing A Fren...

Losin a fren is damn painful man...guess i juz lost a fren 2dae...duno wat i did wrong...hmm...guess im juz tat way....always doin nuting rite...haiz...tyms lyk tis i feel lyk not wanting 2 make frens again...i dowanna feel e pain again i guess...gdbyes will always b painful n its impossible 2 avoid...its always gona be in my lyf...i juz dowanna have more new frens 2 say gdbye 2...juz dun lyk e pain...wldn't it be so much eazier if i juz drop dead nw...? Tat way i wldn't have 2 see my loved ones leave one by one...its 2 painful...duno if im strong enuff for tat...haiz...juz wen i lost a fren sum1 new wants 2 be my fren...but i ignore...lazy lah...no mood i guess...my lyf is chging fast n im havin problems adaptin...im tired...im fed up...im feelin lots of tings...sure i noe i got frens hu willing 2 listen...but i duno hw 2 explain...feelings r complicated....we encounter it every day yet v ery hard 2 find words 2 describe it...guess its juz another mystery of lyf tat we got 2 figure ourself....lyf sux....

PS:2 e person hu wants me out...TC...take lyf one at a tym...If u need anything dun b afraid 2 approach me....

Shad checked in on...Monday, August 02, 2004

!@#$%$#@!#@$%#$!#@%#%!

Haiyoh...funny sia...i create blog den suddenly no tym go online...been quite bz sey... wan 2 blog oso no tym....write half way den kena log off... sian lah...now oso bored...actually gg 2 study for OOAD test... dun ask me wat tat stands for...

Shad checked in on...Monday, August 02, 2004

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Tiredness creepin in....

Haiz...so tired sia...been lackin slp these past few days...all started on wednesday....slpt at 1+ woke up at 5+ 2 go sch...den sch frm 8 2 6...go hm n went hosp at 10...overnite there...manage 2 squeeze in an hr of slp...den go sch at 7+...reach at 8+...tot i late sia...skali e teach later...hahaha he reach 9+...gd example 4 me sia...hehehehe den after tat ask lionel 2 scan 4 my next lecon...den i go hm...damn tired sey...met dila otw hm...muz hv looked dead sia...din notice her until she say 'Ko ok tak??' hahaha damn dead sia...hmmm...shit...gtg...write again later ah...

Shad checked in on...Sunday, August 01, 2004