*....faCtS....*

SuMtin BouT Me...
NaMe: Shad...
AgE: Too Old To BoThEr, Too Young To CaRe
JoB sTaTuS: CuRRenTlY SeRv|nG ThE NaTioN
d.O.b: 31sT SePt 1984
EmaiL oR Add Me oN FreNsTeR oR Hi5: matgile05@yahoo.com.sg
Add Me iF U WaNt oN MsN: matgile05@hotmail.com

*...Tellement pour dire, mots tellement petits...*

*...HaTeS...*

Paranoia
Blasphemy
War
Pretenders
Maths & Java

*...FaVs...*

Songs: Too Many Too Mention
Movies: Remember The Titans!!! The Man Who Knew Too Little
Supports: Newcastle United, England, Denmark, Chezch Republic, Juventus

*...PHoToS...*

-Fidz Chalet 2oo4-
-Raya wif NYP Peeps 2oo4-
-Raya wif The Guys 2oo4-
-KL Trip wif The Guys 2oo4-
-Sending Maryam off/Azie's openhse-
-My Family's Batam Trip-

*...LinKSs...*

-StArHuB-
-YaHo0!-
-MiNiCLiP-
-WwE-
-SoCCeRNeT-
-NUFC-
-NYP-
-SIT-
-BaRaFRanCa-

*...LinKSs 4 FreNs...*

Amal
Ariff
Ayu
Azie
Cheryl
Elfirah
Fadillah
Fana
Geannie
Hafiz
Hafiidz
Jian Yong
KaiTing
Lionel
Minah
Michelle
Nadiah
Nes
Paul Mcfly
Rab|a
Shikin
Siti
Sofian
TKCK
Yana
Zuli


*ArChIvEs*

  • July 2004
  • August 2004
  • September 2004
  • October 2004
  • November 2004
  • December 2004
  • January 2005
  • February 2005
  • March 2005
  • April 2005
  • May 2005
  • June 2005
  • July 2005
  • August 2005
  • September 2005
  • November 2005
  • December 2005
  • January 2006
  • February 2006
  • March 2006
  • April 2006
  • July 2006
  • November 2006
  • March 2007
  • April 2007
  • May 2007
  • June 2007
  • July 2007
  • August 2007
  • December 2007
  • January 2008

  • **





    Thursday, March 31, 2005



    Tired



    In life, there seem to be so many question that we, as human, want answers to. Questions about the future, the past, our love, our luck, our fate. No matter how many different ways we can phrase them in, they're still the same old few questions. Even i always ask myself those questions. And when the desire for the answers become too much to handle, i turn to my frens and vice versa. But lately, even though i still want those answers, im gettin tired of searching for them or answering them for my frens.

    Dun get me wrong here, it's not that i dowan 2 help my frens or myself for tat matter, its juz tat my mind been kinda blank lately...In fact, i notice that nowadays, i seldom seem to be able to help my frens wif those question...mebi coz im afraid to answer those questions. Or mebi im a fraid of onli one of those question.

    Yah tats it, onli one. But one that can be phrased in so many different ways. And that question is, "What do i do after this?" This can be rephrased according to my moods...For example, "How do i go on?", "What's gonna happen after this?", "Where do i go after this?", "Can i really go on?" "Can i survive adulthood(or whateva age that comes after this)?" Honestly, im really afraid of this question. Y? Coz i can never seem to answer it. Yet im still ard....thats the problem. Even though i have answer the question so many tyms, i never seem to be able to remember how i did it. But i do have one theory, and that is my frens.

    Yup, i've got to hand the credit to my frens for helping me get thru life so far...but i still fear that one question. Coz now, i realise, i dun have that many frens anymore.

    I miss those days wen i always go out in big grps. And ppl always calling my hp for chats or juz do some catching up....yah sure i got scoldings from my mum coz of the high fone bill, so i got a hp wif free incoming calls and the chats continued and so did my frenship to so mny ppl....

    But den what happened? I really duno....suddenly, what used to be a luxury to me now seem so scarce. i've lost contact wif so many of my frens or became distant to those who were close to me once...so what happened? Did i chg? Have i become so bad that it seems hard for me to hold on to my frens? I duno....but i wish i have the answers....

    And even wif the small number of frens tat i have now, it seem that its gonna get smaller coz they're fighting amg themselves for stupid reasons....Everywhr i turn i see arguments n fights n lies....What is this world comin too....?

    And now, i still have that free incomin calls hp line but my hp hardly makes anysound at all. N to be truthful, it worries me sometmys. So much so that sometyms for no reason, i will juz start playing my ring tones so that i noe my fone is still working...haha U noe wat, the onli person who seem to want to call me nowdays is fizah...and hamimah asked me to take down her number...she din even get the hint tat i gave tat said i din want it...she juz went ahead n stored it in my phonebk...haha wonder wat's lyf is comin to....


    Shad checked in on...Thursday, March 31, 2005




    Saturday, March 26, 2005



    Crazy...



    Earlier today, while walking towards the mrt from school, jy asked me why i kept quiet. At that moment to avoid confusion i answered that i dun really find talking about computers fun coz the rest was joking ard abt the sch's PCs. Well the real reason was coz i was deep in thought. I was thinking about my cuzins.

    I think its tym i introduced my cuzins. Firstly, the oldest, who is my age, Firdaus. He is now in the army serving NS.

    The 2nd who's 20 at the end of this yr, is Farhana. She's currently gg thru a divorce and planning to get married with another guy. She's a proud mother of two boys the 2nd juz born a few days ago.

    The 3rd, Fahmi. He's currently serving probation for stealing a laptop in a boys home. He's also schling in ITE Geylang at the moment.

    The 4th, Fitri who is 15 this yr. Schling in Ahmad Ibrahim sec at the moment in sec 3 normal academic.

    The 5th sibling, Fairuz. A 14 yr old gal who is repeating her sec 1.

    The 6th, Farhan. 13 yr old boy taking his PSLE for the 2nd tym.

    From what i state above ppl mite be wondering why am i humiliating them this way? The answer is im NOT. In fact, im very proud of them. Only god knows how they're holding up. Let me explain.

    Firstly, their parents have left them. But its not lyk they really took care of their children when they were ard anyway. Their parents are divorced. N both are now married to new ppl. The thing is, at first, their dad took dem in after the divorce. But he abandon them after he got married to this indonesian women. He left them no money, no food and no education. Not even a roof coz he din pay the bills and all so their hse is gg to be taken away end of april. So Firdaus have to rent a hse from HDB with his NS wage of abt 400 bucks so that his siblings have a roof. Oh yah, he oso has to chip in for the hsehold expenses lyk food n stuff. Did i mention he is still 21?

    So wat happen to their mum u may ask? Well she got married to another guy and moved in wif him. And the kids cant stay wif her coz her new husband's mum dun lyk children. And it doesnt seem to bother her at all tat her children have no food to eat and hardly a roof to stay under. In fact, for the past few mths, my mum have been begging for donations from social welfare organization for them. Plus also chipping in some money. So my mum give the money to my cuzin n guess wat? Their mum will force dem to give her the money so she can give to another guy wif whom she's is having an affair wif behind her new husband back. WHAT A SLUT!!!

    And Fahmi, he stole the laptop rite. U noe y? Coz Farhana was cheated by her husband who is missing and wanted by the banks for debts n police. U see, she has no money to support her son. N her dad dun even bother to give her cash to buy milk n stuff even though he is earning some income thru a small business. N u noe y? Coz he is keeping that money so that he can run off to indonesia or wherever wif his new wife. So feeling so stressed up that his nephew has no milk n no food, Fahmi stole the laptop n sold it at a very low price so that he cld give his sister some cash. I noe wat he did was wrong but look at his living condition, i dun blame him. Ppl do stupid things wen they r desperate.

    And so wif their parents gone, n Firdaus in NS and Fahmi in boys home, Fitri and Farhana have to take the responsibilty of taking care of their two younger children n Farhana's two sons. N at 15, imagine the stress he's gg thru. Balancing being a teenager, sch n being a father. I really duno how he does it.

    I came over their hse today to see my newborn nephew who is named Iman. he is juz 3 days old. Very small n cute. Im surprised at how small he is coz his bro, Daniel, is tall n big for a 2 yr old. Anyways, i came to see him but i saw smth else too. I saw smth resemblong a hse with no furniture with the exception of 3 beds n several chairs which look lyk the picked up from the void deck. The kitchen hardly had any food. And the tv is a damn old set which tym maybe up soon. Yet despite all this, when i came, i was greeted by Farhan wif a huge smile on his face. Y? Coz he was excited tat finally, he has visitors comin to his humble haven who r not asking for debts.

    N this really sadden me. But it also made me respect them more. Despite everything tats happening, the still stick together as a family. The r loyal to each other. I dun see this much unity between most siblings. Especially in broken homes. And for this i respect them.

    And the reason y i blogged abt them today is coz to me, this is a tribute to them. A tribute to their courage. A tribute to their maturity which quickly took over them when they were abondoned so easily by their parents. And i hope one day, i can write a song abt them, abt their courage. To me, this wld be the greatest gift i can give dem coz music is one of my strength.

    But for now, im juz gona blog a song from simple plan which always remind me of them. N to all my frens, if u'r feeling down n lost, take my cuzins as examples. Pls, be inspired by their courage. If they can do it, so can the rest of us. So to Firdaus, Farhana, Fahmi, Fitri, Fairuz, Farhan, Daniel and new born Iman, This song is for u. N trust me, u guys will always have my respect, love n support.


    Crazy by Simple Plan

    Tell me what’s wrong with society
    When everywhere I look I see
    Young girls dying to be on TV
    Won’t stop till they’ve reached their dreams

    Diet pills, surgery
    Photo shop pictures in magazines
    Telling them how they should be
    It doesn’t make sense to me

    Is everybody going crazy
    Is anybody gonna save me
    Can anybody tell me what’s going on
    Tell me what’s going on
    If you open your eyes
    You’ll see that something is wrong

    I guess things aren’t how they used to be
    There’s no more normal families
    Parents act like enemies
    Making kids feel like it’s World War 3

    No one cares, no one’s there
    I guess we’re all just too damn busy
    And money’s our first priority
    It doesn’t make sense to me

    Is everybody going crazy
    Is anybody gonna save me
    Can anybody tell me what’s going on
    Tell me what’s going on
    If you open your eyes
    You’ll see that something is wrong

    Is everybody going crazy
    Is everybody going crazy

    Tell me what’s wrong with society
    When everywhere I look I see
    Rich guys driving big SUV’s
    When kids are starving in the streets

    No one cares
    No one likes to share




    Shad checked in on...Saturday, March 26, 2005




    Friday, March 25, 2005



    Good Friday...



    Today is gd friday...yah its a holiday...usually the day before i wld call up frens to make plans to go out...or vice versa...but not today...i duno wat happened to me...i guess i juz miss my granny....

    Lately i've been spending alot of tym in sch or at home or the hospital...so its been weeks since i visited my grandma...so since today was a holiday, i decided to go to my granny's hse...alone. My granny lives together wif my aunt n her husband n 3 sons...i use to be close to them...so close tat some even joke tat im my aunt's eldest son...but den poly came...n i became bz...so only go there once a week...no more sleeping over there...den my father had an accident 2 mths ago...n since den, i've yet to go there till juz now...kinda miss dem all...n had some private tym wif my grandma...it was so awkward...use to be able to tok lots to her...but since her stroke, i duno wat 2 say...juz not used to her not being able to answer...n i now how much it frustrates her wen i dun understand her gesture so i juz keep quiet n tried to smile alot...I guess how she greeted me shows how long i have not visited her...she kept on holding my hand....kept pressing my fingers...

    Juz feel so sad...i miss her voice...i miss the tyms wen she told me stories abt the good old days...humiliating stories abt my aunts n uncles...ppl used to say i was one of her favourites...i duno y...i hardly tok to her...i juz listen alot...but i do really miss those days...sometyms i even feel lyk crying coz i really feel sad for her....u see, she's use to be a very active person...always doin work n wanting to go out on holidays...to see the world...n now, she cant even walk or talk...

    I still remember how it was wen she juz had her stroke...me n fadhly often slpt over in the hospital wenever we cld to take care of her...even if we were tired...i still feel the sadness wen she hold on to my hand before she go to slp...as if wanting mto make sure sumone is there...i duno how true this is but according to my aunt n uncle, wen i come, she will open her eys n smile(she's always tired n usually close her eyes even wen ppl r there, only certain ppl will make her open her eyes)...but i do noe tat wen i come n shake her hand to show respect, she will hold on to my hand for a very long tym....n to be honest, i dun lyk it...Dun get me wrong, its not tat i dun lyk her, i juz dun lyk to see her tat way...coz everytym i do, i feel her sadness, i feel her pain...n its painful...so painful tat tears are actually rolling down noe....i regret not spending much tym wif her wen she cld still walk n talk...i guess shyness is juz something i have to throw away totally...

    Yah, as hard as it is to believe it, the reason y i seldom talk to her is coz i was a shy boy...only wen i grew older did i start talking to her...but by den i was bz wif work sch or my band...i juz miss her voice....

    I guess tat y i turn to music...its the only way i can push away reality n be happy...its also the only way i can actually express myself...mebi tats y i love music so much...wen i was at my granny's hse juz now, my other aunt came over n ask wen i cld teach her son to play the guitar...usually i wld have turn down coz i dun lyk her...but i cldnt...i love music too much...i dun mind teaching her son...i noe he is oso irritating n all, but seriuzly, i juz love music...after him, i still got my other younger cuzin to teach, kak suhana n my own sis...n oh yah kenny...so 5 students...haha but i wonder, am i qualified??? haha doesnt matter to me, i'll juz teach dem wat i noe...n sumhow i dun tink my effort will go to waste...coz i have ex students to prove it...haha i juz feel very happy tat ppl appreciate the stuff i teach dem...i guess im talking abt Roma, my ex band mate...he was interested in learning the guitar n i juz started learning...but wif the little knowledge i knew, i offere to teach him...n he gladly accepted...so i taught him the basics of guitar. n i din tink much abt it after he cld start playing. Till july 24th 2004...yah it was the day i performed at far east...

    He came down wif me n my band n while i was registering some stuff, he actually told fadhly tat i was his teacher n he is still grateful tat i taught him...he kept on saying he wldnt be able to play if i hadnt taught him, no matter how little i did...

    I guess music do give me satisfaction...n bein able to spread it by playing n teachin ppl is really a joy for me....


    Shad checked in on...Friday, March 25, 2005




    Thursday, March 24, 2005



    Simple Plan...



    Duno why now start listening to simple plan...i tink they really got issues wif their parents...the song they write...sheesh...niways, i juz one to show u guys this one song title thank u....they r refering to gal here i tink but trust me, im not thinking of any gals wen i listen to this song...i guess the words kinda remind me of sumone...haha no need to mention names...juz trust me its not a gal hahaha...

    Thank You by Simple Plan

    I thought that I could always count on you,
    I thought that nothing could become between us two.
    We said as long as we would stick together,
    We’d be alright,
    We’d be ok.
    But I was stupid
    And you broke me down
    I’ll never be the same again.

    So thank you for showing me,
    That best friends can not be trusted,
    And thank you for lying to me,
    Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back

    Yeah!

    I wonder why it always has to hurt,
    For every blessing that you have to learn.
    I won’t forget what you did to me,
    How you showed me things,
    I wish I’d never seen.
    But I was stupid,
    And you broke me down,
    I’ll never be the same again.

    So thank you for showing me,
    That best friends can not be trusted,
    And thank you for lying to me,
    Your friendship the good times we had you can have them back

    When the tables turn again,
    You’ll remember me my friend,
    You’ll be wishing I was there for you.
    I’ll be the one you’ll miss the most,
    But you’ll only find my ghost.
    As time goes by,
    You’ll wonder why,
    You’re all alone.

    So thank you for showing me,
    That best friends can not be trusted,
    And thank you for lying to me,
    Your friendship and good times we had you can have them back.

    So thank you, for lying to me,
    So thank you, for all the times you let me down
    So thank you, for lying to me,
    So thank you, your friendship you can have it back



    Shad checked in on...Thursday, March 24, 2005




    Friday, March 18, 2005



    Tapestry memories.....



    Was juz surfing thru www.audioreload.com when i came across smth i din notice before....it really made me happy...even my fever cldnt stop me from being so happy....this is wat i found...

    Image hosted by Photobucket.com

    I guess its proof for me that i've actually performed.And just in case u ppl duno my band name, i highlighted it haha. Maybe a kind of motivation for me to continue....i mean, to be honest, i tink tat my band now is juz so much better. I feel tat we r juz so much more well equipped now...juz hope that we can work harder to complete our current batch of songs and join another simmilar gig for beginners lyk us....i oso hope our plans for a demo will not juz go poof...i guess i juz have to be patient...

    Niways, i brought along my so called 'new' guitar to sch yest and reaction by some ppl kinda surprised me....ppl hu dun usually show interest in playing the guitar suddenly ask if they cld try playing it...haha...ppl lyk yu cheng, geannie, jiang yong and even (wait, better not be eating before u read this part, scared u all choke) FIZAH. haha kinda shocking ah...hmm....n guess wat, hamimah 1 me 2 teach her how to play! Damn sueh! haha...but after she said tat she took it back. Her reason, those who play guitar will end up wif rough fingers n she dowan rough fingers!!! hahaha thank god for rough fingers hahaha...

    Well, i guess music really do relaxes ppl...for me, im juz so in love wif it...i duno y...juz lyk it so much...mebi tat y wen i saw the list this morning, i suddenly became very happy...i miss performing, i miss the reaction from the crowd wen they lyk my music, i miss the rush i get wen i perform and most of all, i miss making my parents proud....its no secret tat they dun approve of wat i do but somehow they seem proud to aknowledge it to everyone tat i onced perform in a place lyk Far East Plaza...i guess music is the onli way i can make dem proud...

    For those who din noe, my band was actually selected for two gigs and not juz one...the other was suppose to be outside somerset mrt but it was called off coz the organizers cldnt get approval from the LTA to go on wif it...STUPID LTA haha...but the funny thing is tat i found the schedulu at audioreload too...this is the one that wasnt meant to be...

    Image hosted by Photobucket.com

    hmm...till today, i cant believe tat i actually got to perform at far east plaza...we actually had to go for auditions to get the gig...n i was more nervous at the auditions den at the performance itself...duno y...well...i juz hope i cld do it again....IM JUZ SO HAPPY TODAY hahaha...




    Shad checked in on...Friday, March 18, 2005




    Monday, March 14, 2005



    So lost and disillusioned



    Instead of writing a whole song today, i think im juz gona write parts of the song....they're basically lyrics from blink, mxpx n myself...

    Where are you and I'm so sorry
    I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight...

    I'm so lost
    I'm barely here
    I wish I could explain myself
    But words escape me...

    I need the glow of,
    Your darling face
    Accept this crown of love,
    And live in grace
    I need the colors,
    Painted in your mind
    Your beauty and your brilliance,
    So hard to find...

    You make me smile
    You make me sing
    You make me scream
    You make me, everything
    You make me, me...

    So don't walk away,
    Don't turn your back,
    If you leave today,
    My whole world would turn black...

    The drops of rain they fall all over
    This awkward silence makes me crazy
    The glow inside burns light upon her...

    Your laughter always seem to make me smile,
    I wish that I could do the same for you...

    Look to the past
    And remember her smile
    And maybe tonight
    I can breathe for awhile
    I'm not in the seat
    I think I'm fallin' asleep
    But then all that it means is
    I'll always be dreaming of you....





    Shad checked in on...Monday, March 14, 2005




    Friday, March 11, 2005



    Sick....



    I got a confession to make...the truth is, i feel tat i no longer have the will to go on wif lyf...im sick of sch, im sick of home, im sick of pretty much, lyf. Been feeling lyk this since juz a few days my dad had the motor accident...n i really feel sick...its really hard for me to go on...n i have to say things r getting kinda worst...i duno wats wrong...mebi coz i feel tat my lyf is gg no whr...other den music, im pretty much aimless....n can i really make it wif music? well my parents dun tink so...i can see tat from their false support...my frens? i duno...not very sure anymore...mebi they're juz bein nice coz they're my frens...n my bandmates? hmm...dun look lyk they really put in effort...so if it fail, i pretty much ery aimless....n wat am i doin in nyp??? its not lyk i hae any interest in computers...haiz....wish there was sumone to guide me along......sumhow this song juz remind of my lyf...i tink...

    Im juz a kid by Simple Plan

    I woke up it was 7
    I waited til 11
    Just to figure out that no one would call
    I think I've got alot of friends
    But I don't hear from them
    What's another night all alone
    When you're spending every day on your own
    And here it goes

    I'm just a kid
    And life is a nightmare
    I'm just a kid
    I know that it's not fair
    Nobody cares cuz I'm alone and the world is having more fun than me

    And maybe when the night is dead
    I'll crawl into my bed staring at these 4 walls again
    I'll try to think about the last time I had a good time
    Everyone's got somewhere to go & they're gonna leave me here on my own
    And here it goes

    I'm just a kid
    And life is a nightmare
    I'm just a kid
    I know that it's not fair
    Nobody cares cuz I'm alone and the world is having more fun than me

    What the fuck is wrong with me
    Don't fit in with anybody
    How did this happen to me?
    Wide awake I'm bored & I can't fall asleep
    And every night is the worst night ever

    I'm just a kid
    I'm just a kid
    I'm just a kid
    I'm just a kid
    I'm just a kid

    I'm just a kid
    And life is a nightmare
    I'm just a kid
    I know that it's not fair
    Nobody cares cuz I'm alone and the world is
    Nobody wants to be alone in the world

    I'm just a kid
    And life is a nightmare
    I'm just a kid
    I know that it's not fair
    Nobody cares cuz I'm alone and the world is
    Nobody wants to be alone in the world
    Nobody cares cuz I'm alone and the world is having more fun than me tonight
    I'm all alone tonight
    Nobody cares tonight
    Cuz I'm just a kid tonight




    Shad checked in on...Friday, March 11, 2005




    Monday, March 07, 2005



    First day of the rest of my life...



    A few days ago my classmate, sam, said i havent been myself the whole of last week...i duno y...n it started me thinking, who am i exactly....? And to be truthful, the only conclusion i can come up with is that im an indecisive fool who have been making lots of wrong decisions lately...decisions that, im have to admit, have left me sad n unhappy...but not angry...but i dun blame the ppl who are affected by my decisions n to be honest, even if i do blame others, i cant coz wat ever i do, its my decision. But the point is, i dun blame anyone but myself...

    I went home from sch early today to study for a test. And i will study later, now i just need to let some of my tots out...i came home today wif lots on my mind. And the moment i reach home, i got some bad news. The doctors found out tat there's a new fracture in my dad's ankle. And starting tmr, he has to go to the hospital everyday till god noes wen...i duno how my mum is gona manage during the week days wen i have to go to sch...luckily tmr fadhly has no sch n i ask him for a favour to follow my mum tmr. I really dun lyk bothering ppl wif this but i got no choice...sometyms i juz wish my mum cld rely on someone who is responsible...sadly all she have now is me...i wish i cld do more for her...y stop there? I wish i cld do more for my frens...

    "When there's nowhere else to hide,
    When there's no one left to stand beside,
    When everthing seems wrong,
    I've been with you all along

    When what's left is all you really know,
    And nowhere's where you want to go
    When they treat you like you don't belong,
    I've been with you all along"

    This two verse is from a song by MxPx titled The Capitol. Frankly speaking, i wish tat i cld say that i do this for my frens...but somehow i dont tink i can...i do try but i dun tink i have...especially for the ones tat i care for very much...

    Recently, i've been listening to MxPx album "Before everything after" alot. Somehow the album really makes me think alot abt my lyf...mebi its coz plus the fact tat i have been making many wrong decisions lately...i duno lah...

    A few days back, i saw a scene tat really made me sad...i cant really explain y but i really felt very down at that moment...so down tat on the spur of the moment i decided to skip french...and for no reason, i juz call up one of my old frens, kathir, and ask if he cld 'slack' wif me for a while...n to my surprise, he came down...n we smoked and did some catching up n tok abt the old days...the old days wen we used to hang out together along wif hadi, yazid and dexian. Always slacking n playing soccer together...

    In fact, i realise tat i really miss those days...i miss those tyms wen i cld slack for hours wif my diff grps of frens...kathir n gang...farhan n the gang...fazli "beng" n the gang...n now i realise tat i've been in so many different grps of frens n i wonder y...it really makes me wonder y i dun really have a grp of frens who r still together now. Is it coz of me? Do i drive ppl away? Lets not tok abt a grp...lets tok abt a close fren...i mean first there was Su, we were really close back then...n now, i hardly noe her. N till today, i still feel guilty for being so blind. I mean, we were toking every single nite...n i wasnt the one hu called her...i shd have seen it...we tok nearly everynite for 2 yrs...i was so stupid not to see wat she wanted...n till today i still rmd how she juz burst out crying wen i told her i juz got attached wif sumone....I AM SO STUPID!

    I juz feel so guilty for doin tat, after all, she helped me alot during my sec 1 n 2 days...i guess she's the one who i must thank for stoping me getting involved wif bad company.

    I guess i did have many frens who were close to me at one point of tym. Diyana, niz, shamsiah, lisa, asri, joanne, maryam, na'im...these ppl, at different point of tym, were very close to me n knew alot abt me. I guess they juz can understand me very well...yet...i dun even contact most of them anymore. n i really hope tat this doesnt continue coz it seems like its gona happen again...

    "Some say that time changes, best friends can become strangers
    But I don't want that, no not for you
    If you just stay with me we can make it through"

    Got this verse from a good charlotte titled 'Say Anything'. Guess its very true...but i oso noe i cant have everything tat i want...

    Im starting to miss my old life...i miss hanging out wif my old frens...i miss those tyms wen i din have so much worries...i miss my cuzins...i miss my nephews n niece...i miss my grandmother, she cant tok anymore...i miss her, i miss toking to her, i miss laffing wif her, i miss her smile, i miss hanging out wif her, i guess i miss being her fren.....



    First day of the rest of your life By MxPx

    Not a lot right now makes sense to me
    And it won’t go quietly
    Not a lot right now makes sense to me
    And it won’t sit patiently

    I’m gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them
    I’m gonna find you some how, some way, somewhere, some day

    First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
    Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already
    First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
    Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already

    I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone
    Where’s life taking me?
    I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone
    Always traveling

    I’m gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them
    I’m gonna find you some how, some way, somewhere, some day

    First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
    Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already
    First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
    Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already

    I wanna love my job
    I wanna love my life
    But most of all, I wanna fall in love

    First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
    Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already
    First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
    Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already




    Shad checked in on...Monday, March 07, 2005




    Saturday, March 05, 2005



    Blind loyalty



    Loyalty is gd...but not blind loyalty....i really dun like blind loyalty...i mean if a person is wrong, u dun side him or her becoz u r his/her fren. I mean, if u were a real fren, den point out their mistake n not juz blindly support dem coz they r ur frens....sad to say, i do have frens who practise blind loyalty...n its even more sad noeing tat i cant change dem....no use toking dem out of it...coz blind loyalty is equivalent to stubborness.

    N even tho i noe albert n jy dun really read my blog, i guess i juz lyk 2 let out some stuff here. firslt, i lyk to thank u 2 for helping me this past few weeks with my project...n oso for trying to understand my problems tho i noe its hard for jy coz my chinese not gd ;)...niways...wat i want 2 say is actually smth not gd....i noe u both dun really agree with my way of doin things or how i handle stuff...but trust me k...i do things my way. If u interfere, u both will juz make it worst...im a grown up...i can handle myself...

    N 2 bert and a few others out there, u may think im stupid for doin things a certain way, im here to tell u this, if its stupid to follow wat my heart says more den wat logic shows me, fine. IM STUPID. n 2 be frank, it means u r 2...coz u urself said to me that u oso follow ur heart more....so yah...im stupid, wateva...i dun care...i juz dun gve a damn.....

    Adam's Song by Blink 182

    I never thought I'd die alone
    I laughed the loudest, who'd have known?
    I traced the cord back to the wall
    No wonder it was never plugged in at all
    I took my time, I hurried up
    The choice was mine, I didn't think enough
    I'm too depresed to go on, you'll be sorry when I'm gone

    I never conqured, rarely came
    16 just held such better days
    Days when I still felt alive
    We couldn't wait to get outside
    The world was watching
    Hate to try
    The tour was over we'd surivied
    I couldn't wait till I got home
    To pass the time in my room alone


    I never thought I'd die alone
    Another six months, I'll be unknown
    Give all my things to all my friends
    You'll never step foot in my room again
    You'll close it off, board it up
    Remember the time that I spilled the cup
    Of apple juice in the hall
    Please tell mom this is not her fault

    I never conqured, rarely came
    16 just held such better days
    Days when I still felt alive
    We couldn't wait to get outside
    The world was watching
    Hate to try
    The tour was over we'd surivied
    I couldn't wait till I got home
    To pass the time in my room alone

    I never conqured, rarely came
    Tomorrow holds such better days
    Days when I can still feel alive
    When I can't wait to get outside
    The world is watching
    The time goes by
    The tour is over I'd surivied
    I can't wait till I get home
    To pass the time in my room alone




    Shad checked in on...Saturday, March 05, 2005




    Friday, March 04, 2005



    BASTARD



    If i ever find u, I'll kill u! How Dare u leave ur children so helpless in this WORLD!!!! U leave dem wif nothing! NO EDUCATION! NO MONEY! NO HOME 2 STAY! I HOPE U WILL ROT IN HELL!!! JGN BESAR KAN BODEK KO LAH! KO FIKIR BINI BARU KO LAWAR SGT!!! BUTO! HARAM! BABI!!!!!!!!!!!!


    Shad checked in on...Friday, March 04, 2005




    Wednesday, March 02, 2005



    Saving my band



    Wanted to stay back to do my project today, still got lots to do n tym's running out....i tink albert may get fed up wif me soon coz mebi he tink i dun care abt my codes but i had a reason y i went off early today....i had to save my band...for those who din noe, my band broke up last week...so i met up wif my gitarist juz now...had a tok n now, he's back...so it's on again...as for the drummer, i'll still be looking for one...somehow i juz cant give my music up, in fact nowdays, i seem to suddenly be very stubborn, not wanting to go down even tho things r really bad now. i guess tats gd...niways...while all this happening, i suddenly remembered the 1st song i ever wrote...Wasted Love...duno lah..this was the song which made my frens excited at first...this was the song that made farhan 1 2 set up a band wif me...well, i guess this song juz feels rite at the moment...the revival of my band...n some other things...well this is how it goes...

    Wasted Love by Shad n the disbanded D'unknown

    Didn't.....
    Mean 2 fall in luv wif u
    N everyday i'll tink of u,
    Hurts me so i cant have u,
    N everyday i'll say im fine,
    Can't u tell its all a lie,
    Do u noe hw much it hurts,
    Inside my heart i tink it'll burst
    Juz hearin bout ur luv lyf,
    Oh hw much it hurts me so,
    Noeing tat ur heart belongs 2 sumone else but neva me,
    But i noe it can neva be,
    U belong 2 sum one else,
    Sum one else better den me,
    Being there for eternity

    Once again i'll tink abt
    my lyf e present n e past
    do u noe hw much it sux
    i noe im surely not e best
    But i tink abt e tyms
    tat i spent juz being wif u
    they can neva b replaced
    nuthing else will eva do

    Chorus: But if i eva had a chance, i will not let it go 2 waste,
    E tot of u being here wif me, i will not let it go 2 waste,

    Sitting back i tink of u
    wat e hell am i 2 do
    if i eva walk away
    i'll be always missin u
    but if i saty rite here wif u
    den i noe will juz be frens
    i can neva live lyk tat
    its lyk living rite in hell

    Chorus

    N now i duno wat 2 do
    So i wrote tis song 4 u
    Tinking of e words 2 say
    juz 2 show my luv 4 u
    so i came out wif 3 words
    n tat was all tat i cld say
    u may neva b wif me
    but my luv 4 u is really true

    Chorus

    Now i will not, let it go
    2 waste no, juz want u
    2 be rite, here wif me
    4eva, n eva.....


    Shad checked in on...Wednesday, March 02, 2005




    Tuesday, March 01, 2005



    The four brothers



    I once read abt this 4 gems from during the nazis tym called The Four Brothers. Quite fuzzy abt it but i noe it consist of a diamond, an emarald, a sapphire and a ruby. Well now, i want 2 tok abt another type of four brothers. The four brothers who can cheer me up wif ease....JY, Albert, Zombie n Wm...they're cool man...hahaha always toking nonsense n now im laffing more den ever....dun ask me why im tokin abt tis lah....juz so much in my mind n thankful 2 have dem as my frens...thx bros...

    Well Adjusted by MxPx

    am i the one that's going crazy
    i'm so tired of masquerading
    wanna pretend to be so well adjusted
    maybe it's just me and i'm disgusted

    i need a room at a mental penitentiary
    so lock me up with maximum security
    the doctors say that they don't know whats wrong with me
    so strap me down it's time for my lobotomy

    Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

    The doctors say that I'll be getting on real soon
    The doctors say that I've been making big breakthroughs

    One little minute seems to last a lifetime
    I'm staring at the ceiling even though i'm blind
    We all pretend to be so complicated
    you and me just maybe dislocated (dislocated)

    i need a room at a mental penitentiary
    so lock me up with maximum security
    the doctors say that they dont know whats wrong with me
    so strap me down its time for my lobotomy

    yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
    yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
    Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

    The doctors say that I'll be getting on real soon
    The doctors say that I've been making big breakthroughs

    The doctors say
    The doctors say that i'm okay
    The doctors changed their minds
    and now i'm here to stay

    The doctors say that I'll be getting out real soon
    The doctors say that I've been making big breakthroughs

    the doctors say that im not crazy afterall
    the doctors say take two of these and give me a call

    get up!



    PS:Im sorry....


    Shad checked in on...Tuesday, March 01, 2005