Monday, March 07, 2005

First day of the rest of my life...

A few days ago my classmate, sam, said i havent been myself the whole of last week...i duno y...n it started me thinking, who am i exactly....? And to be truthful, the only conclusion i can come up with is that im an indecisive fool who have been making lots of wrong decisions lately...decisions that, im have to admit, have left me sad n unhappy...but not angry...but i dun blame the ppl who are affected by my decisions n to be honest, even if i do blame others, i cant coz wat ever i do, its my decision. But the point is, i dun blame anyone but myself...

I went home from sch early today to study for a test. And i will study later, now i just need to let some of my tots out...i came home today wif lots on my mind. And the moment i reach home, i got some bad news. The doctors found out tat there's a new fracture in my dad's ankle. And starting tmr, he has to go to the hospital everyday till god noes wen...i duno how my mum is gona manage during the week days wen i have to go to sch...luckily tmr fadhly has no sch n i ask him for a favour to follow my mum tmr. I really dun lyk bothering ppl wif this but i got no choice...sometyms i juz wish my mum cld rely on someone who is responsible...sadly all she have now is me...i wish i cld do more for her...y stop there? I wish i cld do more for my frens...

"When there's nowhere else to hide,
When there's no one left to stand beside,
When everthing seems wrong,
I've been with you all along

When what's left is all you really know,
And nowhere's where you want to go
When they treat you like you don't belong,
I've been with you all along"

This two verse is from a song by MxPx titled The Capitol. Frankly speaking, i wish tat i cld say that i do this for my frens...but somehow i dont tink i can...i do try but i dun tink i have...especially for the ones tat i care for very much...

Recently, i've been listening to MxPx album "Before everything after" alot. Somehow the album really makes me think alot abt my lyf...mebi its coz plus the fact tat i have been making many wrong decisions lately...i duno lah...

A few days back, i saw a scene tat really made me sad...i cant really explain y but i really felt very down at that moment...so down tat on the spur of the moment i decided to skip french...and for no reason, i juz call up one of my old frens, kathir, and ask if he cld 'slack' wif me for a while...n to my surprise, he came down...n we smoked and did some catching up n tok abt the old days...the old days wen we used to hang out together along wif hadi, yazid and dexian. Always slacking n playing soccer together...

In fact, i realise tat i really miss those days...i miss those tyms wen i cld slack for hours wif my diff grps of frens...kathir n gang...farhan n the gang...fazli "beng" n the gang...n now i realise tat i've been in so many different grps of frens n i wonder y...it really makes me wonder y i dun really have a grp of frens who r still together now. Is it coz of me? Do i drive ppl away? Lets not tok abt a grp...lets tok abt a close fren...i mean first there was Su, we were really close back then...n now, i hardly noe her. N till today, i still feel guilty for being so blind. I mean, we were toking every single nite...n i wasnt the one hu called her...i shd have seen it...we tok nearly everynite for 2 yrs...i was so stupid not to see wat she wanted...n till today i still rmd how she juz burst out crying wen i told her i juz got attached wif sumone....I AM SO STUPID!

I juz feel so guilty for doin tat, after all, she helped me alot during my sec 1 n 2 days...i guess she's the one who i must thank for stoping me getting involved wif bad company.

I guess i did have many frens who were close to me at one point of tym. Diyana, niz, shamsiah, lisa, asri, joanne, maryam, na'im...these ppl, at different point of tym, were very close to me n knew alot abt me. I guess they juz can understand me very well...yet...i dun even contact most of them anymore. n i really hope tat this doesnt continue coz it seems like its gona happen again...

"Some say that time changes, best friends can become strangers
But I don't want that, no not for you
If you just stay with me we can make it through"

Got this verse from a good charlotte titled 'Say Anything'. Guess its very true...but i oso noe i cant have everything tat i want...

Im starting to miss my old life...i miss hanging out wif my old frens...i miss those tyms wen i din have so much worries...i miss my cuzins...i miss my nephews n niece...i miss my grandmother, she cant tok anymore...i miss her, i miss toking to her, i miss laffing wif her, i miss her smile, i miss hanging out wif her, i guess i miss being her fren.....



First day of the rest of your life By MxPx

Not a lot right now makes sense to me
And it won’t go quietly
Not a lot right now makes sense to me
And it won’t sit patiently

I’m gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them
I’m gonna find you some how, some way, somewhere, some day

First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already
First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone
Where’s life taking me?
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone
Always traveling

I’m gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them
I’m gonna find you some how, some way, somewhere, some day

First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already
First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already

I wanna love my job
I wanna love my life
But most of all, I wanna fall in love

First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already
First day of the rest of our lives, I miss you already
Last time I saw that look in your eyes, I miss you already




Shad checked in on...Monday, March 07, 2005