Friday, March 25, 2005

Good Friday...

Today is gd friday...yah its a holiday...usually the day before i wld call up frens to make plans to go out...or vice versa...but not today...i duno wat happened to me...i guess i juz miss my granny....

Lately i've been spending alot of tym in sch or at home or the hospital...so its been weeks since i visited my grandma...so since today was a holiday, i decided to go to my granny's hse...alone. My granny lives together wif my aunt n her husband n 3 sons...i use to be close to them...so close tat some even joke tat im my aunt's eldest son...but den poly came...n i became bz...so only go there once a week...no more sleeping over there...den my father had an accident 2 mths ago...n since den, i've yet to go there till juz now...kinda miss dem all...n had some private tym wif my grandma...it was so awkward...use to be able to tok lots to her...but since her stroke, i duno wat 2 say...juz not used to her not being able to answer...n i now how much it frustrates her wen i dun understand her gesture so i juz keep quiet n tried to smile alot...I guess how she greeted me shows how long i have not visited her...she kept on holding my hand....kept pressing my fingers...

Juz feel so sad...i miss her voice...i miss the tyms wen she told me stories abt the good old days...humiliating stories abt my aunts n uncles...ppl used to say i was one of her favourites...i duno y...i hardly tok to her...i juz listen alot...but i do really miss those days...sometyms i even feel lyk crying coz i really feel sad for her....u see, she's use to be a very active person...always doin work n wanting to go out on holidays...to see the world...n now, she cant even walk or talk...

I still remember how it was wen she juz had her stroke...me n fadhly often slpt over in the hospital wenever we cld to take care of her...even if we were tired...i still feel the sadness wen she hold on to my hand before she go to slp...as if wanting mto make sure sumone is there...i duno how true this is but according to my aunt n uncle, wen i come, she will open her eys n smile(she's always tired n usually close her eyes even wen ppl r there, only certain ppl will make her open her eyes)...but i do noe tat wen i come n shake her hand to show respect, she will hold on to my hand for a very long tym....n to be honest, i dun lyk it...Dun get me wrong, its not tat i dun lyk her, i juz dun lyk to see her tat way...coz everytym i do, i feel her sadness, i feel her pain...n its painful...so painful tat tears are actually rolling down noe....i regret not spending much tym wif her wen she cld still walk n talk...i guess shyness is juz something i have to throw away totally...

Yah, as hard as it is to believe it, the reason y i seldom talk to her is coz i was a shy boy...only wen i grew older did i start talking to her...but by den i was bz wif work sch or my band...i juz miss her voice....

I guess tat y i turn to music...its the only way i can push away reality n be happy...its also the only way i can actually express myself...mebi tats y i love music so much...wen i was at my granny's hse juz now, my other aunt came over n ask wen i cld teach her son to play the guitar...usually i wld have turn down coz i dun lyk her...but i cldnt...i love music too much...i dun mind teaching her son...i noe he is oso irritating n all, but seriuzly, i juz love music...after him, i still got my other younger cuzin to teach, kak suhana n my own sis...n oh yah kenny...so 5 students...haha but i wonder, am i qualified??? haha doesnt matter to me, i'll juz teach dem wat i noe...n sumhow i dun tink my effort will go to waste...coz i have ex students to prove it...haha i juz feel very happy tat ppl appreciate the stuff i teach dem...i guess im talking abt Roma, my ex band mate...he was interested in learning the guitar n i juz started learning...but wif the little knowledge i knew, i offere to teach him...n he gladly accepted...so i taught him the basics of guitar. n i din tink much abt it after he cld start playing. Till july 24th 2004...yah it was the day i performed at far east...

He came down wif me n my band n while i was registering some stuff, he actually told fadhly tat i was his teacher n he is still grateful tat i taught him...he kept on saying he wldnt be able to play if i hadnt taught him, no matter how little i did...

I guess music do give me satisfaction...n bein able to spread it by playing n teachin ppl is really a joy for me....

Shad checked in on...Friday, March 25, 2005