Thursday, June 23, 2005

Wakin up a broken man

I went to sleep last nite on a high but woke up today feeling broken....why?

The reason is simple....i juz feel unworthy....of wat? haiz....i wish i can say....

The thing is, i noe its been a long tym since i blog, its because i use this place to blog abt how i feel, u noe, juz a place to let out things lyk many others do...the prob is, i dun really lyk to share my feelings for a certain sumone in such a public place....mostly because i dun 1 2 shame her....coz its really a one-sided thing....

She's juz so lovely...her smile is juz so wonderful...its lyk wen she smile, the whole room kinda lights up. And she got a pair of big beautiful eyes which i really lyk to look at but im juz too shy to look....and her hair, so smooth and fragrant...i noe coz sumtyms wen she walk by, i can smell it...the smell is juz so wonderful, smth that i can describe but i can recognise anywhr....Well, wat can i say, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder and to me, she's juz so beautiful...juz so angelic, so heavenly....juz so beautiful.....

And its not only her looks that is beautiful, her character too...the way she present herself to ppl is wat really attracts me...her attitude, her sense of humour...the way she walk, the way she tok....to me, she's wat i really look for in a gal....

My frens tell me to give things a try, the thing is, i did, and she rejected me...no surprise....n i respect her decision....but some of my closer frens have asked me to try again if i really lyk her as much as i claim i do. But i told dem im not gg to bother her that way again and so they ask me to move on...and i am....or at least trying to.

I really am trying, but i juz cant stop thinking of her....i think of her every single day, sometyms, i dream of her...and its really not helping me to move on....i wish that i can make her happy, even if its in the capacity of a fren....but i guess im juz to shy or afraid to tok to her sometyms...tho i do force myself at tyms....

So now, the thing is, i 1 2 get her smth special or do smth special for her...the occasion being her juz being herself...no special reason lah...juz 1 2 try to make her smile...but im afraid she wld not accept wateva i do or get for her....she may get the wrong idea that i want smth more den frenship from her....the fact is, i accepted the fact that she doesnt want me that way.....tho i still very much do lyk her....

For now, i juz wish she's happy........

PS: To whoever reading this, dun ask me who she is, im not gg to reveal her identity coz i really dun 1 2 shame her...she dun deserve any humiliation that i can offer...so dun ask....juz noe her as NABS....

Shad checked in on...Thursday, June 23, 2005

Thursday, June 09, 2005

I knew it....

I knew it, i knew it....i knew tat once i blogged abt that qns ppl will start asking who are the 3 gals(refer to my previous entry) hahaha...well they are....hold on, let me tell u guys who was asked what qns....

Let's see, we were bored wen we decided to play games and dila suggested some lame games(y am i not surprised??? haha) so we kinda ignored her politely hahaha niways, farhan, or was it amalina, suggested that since some off us havent met up for quite sometym, we shd ask each other qns...u noe, kinda lyk truth or dare style juz without the dare....

So yah, they use a fork to spin ard and it juz so happen by luck, my bad one, i was the first one to get qnsed...and all of them were lyk so excited sia...especially amal, dila, roma and an....kinda scary...i was sure it was gg to be a humiliating one...and it was...

Aniways, wen the fork stopped in my direction, they all started clapping and cheering and shouting. And amal raised her hand so high up(plus the fact that she's tall so very high) and exclaimed "I ask! I ask!" and the rest was lyk "ok, ok...." In my mind at that tym was lyk "Wth! she seem so prepared....i wonder how long she's been waiting for a chance lyk this to humiliate me"....

And so her qns "If u were trapped on a deserted island with 3 gals, who wld they be and why? And they cant be celebrities"

And lyk i said before, i quickly answered "My mum, my granny and my niece" And they answer "NO! cannot....must be gals....frens...." hahaha sabo kings and queens...wth rite....i was really wondering why 3? i mean isnt it odd...usually its 1...and further more y must frens....? Why gals....? So i tot, ok, so what do i need on a deserted island? And which of my female frens can provide me that....? So i tot survival....sure...but how? Wif gd communication i guess, not mentioning the fact that i must be able to tolerate the 3 gals or vice versa hahaha....so after a few short seconds(coz they were rushing me) i said "ok, they are......."

Let me juz tok abt the others first and get back to my answer later....so aniways, i spinned the fork and it stopped in ain's direction...And farhan asked "What are ur dreams for the future?" Gd qns rite? compared to mine....so anyways ain answered that she wants to try to get to a University after her A's and spinned the fork....

This tym it stopped in an's direction. Well actually, it stopped in my direction but since i've been asked oredy, ain spinned it again. So this tym dila, ain and yani asked an "What u plan to do after NS?" Another gd one rite? So an answered that he planned to sign on coz he lyks being in the police force and spinned the fork....

And it stopped in rosz direction....so dila asked "After so many experiences, what abt u have changed since leaving secondary sch?" hahaha a real good one huh....? we even joked that rosz shd say "world peace" after her answer hahaha lyk in miss universe....hahaha so anyways, i wun really say what answered coz its kinda personal i tink but mainly coz its very long and that not many of u noe her ahahahhahaha....so yah she answered and spinned the fork....

This tym it was yani. And once again dila asked again, "After losing contact wif a few ppl here(she looked at me at this point and i knew she wants to no more abt yani's bf-me situation), how do u feel abt meeting dem again?" Dila damn saboing me sia...but at least a better qns den the one i kena....so anyways yani wen on to answer stating that she happy get 2 meet up especially after losing contact wif me coz of that infamous msg....thats wen a few heads turned looking confused....and dila asked yani to tell dem what happened....and i was lyk WTH.....???? "Eh must really tell meh?" haiyoh....i dun lyk to think abt fights lah....so yah aniways she told dem what happened and that she accept the fact that its her bf faults and blah blah blah and spinned the fork....

And it was amal's turn...and rosz asked "What is the reason that after all this while, u never had a boyfren?" See, gd one rite? And so amal answered....actually u can go read her blogged coz she actually blogged her answer hahaha....but while answering she very nervous coz she tot i will sabo her hahaha dun worry mal, ur secret is safe wif me, i promise u....and so she spinned the fork.....

And it was dila's turn....and somebody, i dun rmb who, asked "how u feel abt us after never meet for so long?" And so she answered she's happy to get to meet us and that if it wasnt for me she wldnt have met up wif dem coz this grp have never really been a close one and that she love us all.....And at the part wen she say if it wasnt for me, everyone was lyk "wah....." and clapped and clapped and clapped and kept on saying "shad, wah...." wth, issit wrong for me to like gathering the old gang together...? sheesh....

And so we were left wif roma, and yani asked, "All this while, have u ever tot abt getting in a seriuz relationship?" I was really surprised wif theis qns as i noe roma have always been seriuz abt his relationship and always he was the one who was dumped...and he din have to answer coz rosz answer for him...as in he always has been seriuz...juz that the other party wasnt...

So u see the others got gd qns even tho some were kinda simillar...but still gd....and look at mine....sheesh...and amal, if u are reading this, dun get the wrong idea juz that i find ur qns weird...and so, backed to my answer....

And so my answer had to be some who wasnt there(must be diplomatic mah hahaha), sumone who i can communicate well wif, sumone who i can tolerate, sumone who can tolerate me(or mebi not hahaha), sumone who can tolerate the other 2, sumone who i can depend on...u noe survival...so my answer is........hahaha im not gg to mention it here...neither am i gg to tell ppl hahahaha...coz i cant be sure that the ppl who r on my list will choose me to put on their list....hahaha and some other reason too lah...to complicated to explain....juz noe that the 3 are my gd frens....outz....

Shad checked in on...Thursday, June 09, 2005

Bored....

It's been awhile since i last blogged...mainly its coz i lazy to blog...n i still dun feel 'hardworking' enuff to start blogging but im having vb now wif tancs as the tutor...so yah tat explains it...SO DAMN BORED.....

He give us a very vague qns and give a fucked up explaination whiich anyone hardly listen to....He sucks lah...i really not sure wat im suppose to do for this practical....

Anyways, been slacking alot the past few 2 weeks since i started school...but mostly slack out of sch...not that i find slacking in sch bored, its juz that most of the tym, im alone in sch. The only ones from my class who are studying are me, sam, sze kee and albert. The rest are either doing fypj or attachement somewhere...And the other 3 r doin a diff track from me....so mostly, im alone during breaks due to the difference in tym table...so bored sia...

So most of the tym i've been walking around aimlessly during my breaks, if im lucky, sam and gang will have thier break at the same tym as me...i guess i have to learn to start being alone coz that's wat i'll be most of the tym...

Oh yah made some new frens too, i got to now yana, grace, lisyun, has and aisyah....The first 3 i got to coz we happen to be in the same project grp tho grace is no longer in our class now....Has is actually sharif's fren...was so bored during tcs lesson that i juz started toking to him...and aisyah is the malay gal at cheers....i tot she was dila's fren and tats y i tok to her...but turns out she's not...haiyoh...malu sia...

Anyways, last monday, i catch up wif some of the former gyss gang...roma, an, amal, rosz, dila, yani and ain....first went to far east den slacked at somerset coffee bean...minah was working...and we saw anba there haha long tym neva see him...he used to teach me english during my sec 5 days....

Well anyways, we played a few lame games at coffee bean...including asking each other qns since we hvnt met up for quite some tym....the thing is, during this qna session i feel kinda out of place or smth....coz a few qns directed to some ppl and some answers kinda were indirectly connected to me....and the qns i got was lyk damn different...U see the qns others got was things like "what u plan to do after NS?", "How have u chged since secondary sch?", "After not meeting for so long, how u feel?", "How u feel meeting up after losing contact wif some ppl(the person wh ask actually paused to look at me at this pt)?" So basically the qns asked were to do wif lyf....

So wat did they ask me? "If u were to be trapped on a deserted island wif 3 gals, who wld they be? And celebreties are not allowed." WTH!!!! So i answered, "My mum my granny and my niece" but the turn that answer down...it has to be frens gals...wth....i wun write the answer here....

Anyways, lesson over...gtg...

Shad checked in on...Thursday, June 09, 2005