Monday, April 16, 2007
Reflections.....
Reflection is one thing i sumtyms do when im alone. N most of the tym, it leaves me wondering of wat i shd do in the future. Im not juz toking abt career here, im toking abt general. Wat shd i do abt myself. That's y sumtyms i dislike sitting alone. Kinda explain y i bug roma so much abt slacking outside. I guess he's one of the very few ppl who i can tok to. N he noes me so well tat sumtyms i dun even need to tok.
I noe reflection is good as onli den u'll get to learn from ur mistakes n wat not but i tink i can really do without it for now. Im oredy down enuf as it is. There's so many things going on at the moment, as usual but sumhow i feel so helpless nowdays. Helpless n speechless. N when i say speechless, i literally means speechless.
I noe many of my close frens will noe my trademark line wheneva they ask me if im ok. I'll always answer “I'm always ok, dun worry abt me.” Or how i tend to cover up my sadness/pain/hurt by cracking jokes and doin crazy jokes...sum wonder y. What can i say. There was one instance when elfi told me i wasnt myself tat day. Tat i seemed very high. She wanted to noe y i was so happy...haha so i told her the truth. I wasnt “high”at all. In fact i was kinda down. She tot i was lying but i put in simple terms to her. And that is “Ï lead a sad lyf but i prefer doing it wif a smile”.
Fortunately, i dun become sad when im really happy lol but the way i act when im covering up for my sadness is way different from when im truly happy. I tend to be more “crazy” i guess, in a manner of speaking. Is it obvious u may ask. I guess it is, to those who wld bother to take notice.
The prob is, i got so much things on my mind lately that sumtyms i really have no idea of wat to say. And tat's wat i mean by speechless.
I guess i shd probably stop tinking abt my feelings for sumone at the moment. Afterall, i was neva any good at dealing wif matters of the heart and is not as if anything is going to happen. I dare say my feelings is leading me nowhere. I'd lyk to say i'm giving up n moving on but i cant ctrl how i feel. Im no robot. I juz have to live wif it i guess. I heard ppl say the more u suffer, the more it shows u care. Juz wonder if its true.....
Hopefully wif tat put aside, i can concentrate on how i shd go abt making things better for myself. Especially regarding my band. Everyone noes music is my one place of sanctuary. Well, i duno, we'll see how it goes. About everything else, my fam, my so called future, my religion and abt myself as a person, i duno....kinda feel lyk i no longer noe what to do. Mebi i'm juz tired. Tired of everything.....
Wrote the start of a new song yesterday by the way. I intended to write this abt a mth ago but juz cldnt get the momentum going till yest... Here's how the lyrics go...
“I was getting uninspired, And everything is so old and tired, maybe I just don't wanna do this anymore. Maybe we're just getting tired, let's take a break, are we having fun yet? Maybe we should pack things up and not do this anymore. But everything seems ok when my brothers are around me, so lets take it up a notch, not have different thoughts and quit this tired old game. And I say, everything seems ok when my brothers are around me, so lets take it up a notch, not have different thoughts and quit this tired old game. And i say heyz....”“I hope u're not toking to me out of pity or guilt...I rather have u tok to me cuz u want to...”
Shad checked in on...Monday, April 16, 2007