Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Honesty...

A few days ago i had a dream about her again. As usual, in the dream we were happy together. Then i woke up and again as usual, the realisation of it just being a dream came in n it felt as if i've just been run over by an 8 wheeler truck.

I feel that mebi its tym for me to be honest here today. The reason y my blog seems so dead is simple. Honestly cuz i once blogged abt this person n found out later she read it. I was dumbfounded. So i sort of blog very irregularly so that mebi that person wld get tired of the same old post n stop checking in. I think it worked....

Y not just create a new blog u mite ask, haiz truth is i have no mood to go thru the trouble. My mood have been so down in some ways that i've sort of kept to myself alot.

Anyways, This entry shd be abt honesty. I hvnt been honest, not even to myself. I've been keeping too many feelings to myself till recently a fren of mine said that the problem wif me is that i don't voice out my feelings enuf. And he feels that i shd be more open wif my feelings. Especially if someone close to me, someone who grew up wif me have become sumone i dislike alot.

I don't mean to keep things to myself just that i feel that i've talked enuf to the person concerned. N everytym, he chg back to his old self but it doesnt last long. What can I say When I no longer know what to do.

Another matter i've not been honest to ppl much nowdays is abt my fear of slping, or rather my fear of waking up from my slp. Mebi fear is the wrong word to use but i really dread waking up sometyms. N it happens whenever i have dreams lyk the one i mentioned above. Truth is, there have been quite a number of tyms when i dreamt that we were together n only god knows how to describe how i felt in those dreams. Truthfully, as cliche as it may sound, i've never knew that kind of happiness ever. It doesnt matter if we didn't do much in the dream, just a simple walk ard some mall or whateva, but the feeling i felt was so real. I dun noe how to put it in words. But everything abt the dreams seem so real. N so the moment i wake up, realising it was nothing but fiction, i duno....it makes me wish that i'd never wake up at all, ever. The disappointment is so damn heavy that its hard for me to get up and face the new day.

Honestly ppl may think I'm over-reacting or obsessed or wateva but truth is, i wish that I could be the one who makes u smile the way u do ard certain special individuals, i wish that i could be the one to make u laugh till tears r found in ur eyes. I wish that i could make u feel happy, loved, comforted, needed....I wish that I could be the one to wipe ur tears away when u cry. I wish that i could be the one....

Honestly, as of this moment, ur happiness is smth i think abt most of the tym. I feel so good to see u smile, to see u happy. Correct me if im wrong but u seemed happy during ur bday. I was happy too, seeing u in that state. Deep down, frankly, i pray that mebi just mebi, i was partly responsible for making u feel that way but....i doubt so.

Sometimes thinking back, i feel that i'm being disillusional for thinking that i have a chance. I know i'm not ur type and honestly, i don't think i'll ever be ur type. I mean, i realise we live in 2 different world and we r 2 different ppl.

Someone once said to me, mebi if i had the looks or body of Keanu Reeves den mebi things wld be different. No matter how much i hope and pray its not true, i got to face reality. I'd do anything within my resources, control and power for u but truth is, i noe i don't have much to offer u. Rite now, it seems lyk i can onli give u words, words of comfort, words to attempt to win ur heart. Problem is, words have never mean that much to me.

I dun have this extraodinary knowledge of computers or other stuff to help u out when u need it. I don't have the cash to bring u out n accompany u here and there. Im not rich enuf to buy u stuff or bring u out for shopping which u love doing so much. I don't have any means of transport to bring u out in the middle of the nite to places of interest and watch the sunrise and to finally send u home after a long tiring nite. I don't have the charm to make u trust me to follow me to where ever i want to bring u to. And due to the lack of transport, I don't have the time to bring u ard the world to enjoy urself. I don't have any of that luxury. Not even one.

There are tyms where i find myself sitting down and wondering, Why? Why can't i have u? Am i not good enuf for u? Am i not 'FIT' enuf for u? Is it becuz I'm not rich enuf to give u wat u want? U say u love u'r freedom. So will I take ur freedom away if u somehow ever find a way to accept me? I duno....

U say u 1 2 enjoy urslef for now. For me, its tym for me to learn to take my responsibility as a man. Do u noe how it felt when i nearly lost my dad a few years ago. Seeing how my mum, my sis just crumbled under all that pressure after relying on my dad for so much. I had to step up. I had to represent the family. Even tho things turned out fine back then, i tasted what it was lyk and realised i wasnt prepared if my father had passed on. It hit me lyk nuthing ever cld. Slowly i changed and even tho it took a long tym for me to chg, bottom line is i did. Was it by coincidence that i stop drinking a few weeks after getting to noe u? I duno.

Few mths back those few of losing my dad came abt again. It was during the period of my bday. Thankfully, this tym i was more prepared. I was no longer the scared teenager. I stood up n sucessfully convincced my family that everything was gonna be fine. U see thats wat u do when u care for ppl, u try ur best to ensure them tat everything is gonna be ok n u oso try ur best to make sure it happens. N u have no idea how fast u brought me up to cloud 9 when u msged me asking abt my dad's condition. It showed to me u cared. U have no idea how it brought a smile to my face, how that simple question gave me more strength to help my family out...

But oh how fast was i brought down again within a matter of 2 days. I can never forget how i felt when i 1st saw u in his hands. I rmb thinking it was just my paranoid imagination at 1st but when i cldnt dismiss it away as my imagination, nausea took over. i felt lyk vomiting everything i ate. I cldnt even eat the cake u bought for me. Till today i can never understand as to y both of u did it. I can never understand y he want to hurt me so bad. I mean cmon, supposedly he wants to prank everyone, sure. Thats y he choose such a tym ryt. N frankly I don't think the others wld care much if u 2 end up together. But he knew i wld.

I can never understand y u went along with it even if u initially didn't want too. Bottom line is, u did. U knew it wldnt affect the feelings of anybody else but me and still u went with it. Don't get me wrong, im no longer angry wif it n i forgive u but honestly, i will never understand ur actions n i cant deny that i dont feel hurt even a little bit even after all this tym. I guess the deepest cuts takes the longest to heal. I can only thank god that i had a fren who stood up n tell me the truth to keep me sane. Many things didn't add up for me that night till i got the truth. N imagine how i felt sitting beside him n pretending that nuthing was wrong for god noes how many hours after i knew the truth.I forgave u, but don't blame me if i cant forget it.

U're an enigma to me. There's so much of u that i noe, i can predict so many of ur actions but yet there are still many things abt u and what u do that i can never understand. And honestly, i wish n hope u'll give me a chance to fully understand u and not just dissapear from my life. Every addiction cant be striked out cold turkey. In some ways, u r my addiction. And once, u did leave me cold for 1 month.

Honestly, when u 1st said to me u cant continue being so close to me after knowing how i felt, i didn't blame u. I tot, ok, I'll just take wat u were willing to give me and teach myself to live with it. But as it turns out, u wldnt even reply my well wishes for ur trip to melake. It seems lyk i was dead to u. For 1 mth, i kept asking myself, what wrong did i do to u? Did i hurt u so badly that u'd no longer tok to me. Even as a fren? N yet u entertain those who weren't sincere to u. I ask god what wrong did i do? I have been nuthing but sincere to u. Even if u didn't love me back, at the very least i tot i was a fren. Yet it seems lyk i was the enemy. I endured a mth not knowing how u were. A month wondering if u're happy. A month sleepless nite hoping u'll get bored enuf to call me. But nuthing happened.

When u finally msg me after more den a mth to kol ur hp, i was stunned yet relieved. I guess u have that effect on me. Not many ppl can make me dumbstruck or awestruck lyk u do.

Rmb once, u called me after sch. I was still stuck in the office n we talk for abit. I didnt tok much if u notice. Den u mentionted that u were gg to a certain someone's place in jurong. Suddenly i became hyper n cracking jokes n shit lyk nobody business. N u stunned me by askin if i was okay. U saw rute thru me. U said u knew how i jovial i became when im done. U saw thru my facade.

Yes its true, behing those jokes i crack, those puns i project, the pranks i pull the humour i bull, i'm hurting. Its all an act. A cry for help. Not many understood that or pretend not to understand. Instead they questioned y i do the stuff i do. Yet u saw thru me.

Again i say, honestly, sometyms i feel lyk mebi u shd be wif a certain cuzzin of mine and that i've been in ur way all this while. I duno y. But 2 ppl dismiss that notion as soon as i mention it. They said they dun bliff he can make u happy. I duno, mebi if i didn't get in the way in the 1st place, mebi he wldnt have turn out this way.

Another truth i have to voice out now, after every solat, i pray for u. I pray that somehow god can soften this hardened heart of urs n not let u be so stubborn. I hope mebi wif u being less stubborn, u'd be happier n not be so angry and angsty all the tym. I pray that u be happy. Even if its not wif me.

I noe its been a long entry but onli becuz all this while i have had so much to say to u, so much to pour out but i cant never find enuf words our enuf courage. There r so many more things left unsaid. I bet if i knew all the words in all the languages in the world, i still wont be able to find the words to describe how i feel. The enigma, the mystery. I cant tell u how beautiful u r in my eyes. Even when ur hair is all messy, without make up on, when u're not dressed up. I've seen u at ur worst, when u just woke up and yet u're still so beautiful to me. So adorable. So precious.

U say u 1 2 enjoy urself for now, U say u love ur freedom. To me, i say u're afraid of commitment. U're afraid to get hurt. I wish i cld somehow explain to u that i'd never hurt u intentionally. Honestly, i have been nuthing but sincere to u.

What can I say when I no longer know what to do, I guess u'll never know what i'll do for u. I tried so hard to write a song for u but i guess my words will never do. What can i say when i no longer know what to do, what shd i do wen i'm with u? I hate this awkwardness when i lie to u, when i say that i'm ok. I know ur heart belongs to sumone else but i wanted u to noe, no matter what u need, no matter when u need that i'll still be there for u. And for how special u have been, for all the joy u bring, i want to thank u. What can i say, what can i do and i'll still be there for u. I cannot help just how i feel and i want to thank u. I'll train myself to listen in my sleep if u shd ever tok in ur dreams and i just want to shelter u away from all the hurt and pain that u've been facing all ur lyf and i'll still be there for u. No matter what u need, i'll still be there for u, for all the joy u bring, i want to thank u. No matter what i'll do, i'll still be there for u and for getting to know u, i want to thank u.

Shad checked in on...Wednesday, December 26, 2007