Sunday, January 06, 2008

Honestly Part II

Honestly, when my uncle passed away recently, I wanted to call u. I was on duty the night b4 n was getting ready for the handing over/taking over for the following day duty personnel when my dad called me. I got the bad news. My uncle been suffering from stomach cancer. We onli found out when it was in the later stages. It was so bad that it spread to the lungs. It was a painful way to go for him i guess. Cant say i was sad when i got the news. Wasnt overjoyed either. All i know is that i wanted to kol u n just listen to u tok.

In some ways, i guess it helps sometyms. Listening to u tok. Especially when u in a gd mood n being very random. Don't ask me why but somehow it calms my nerves.

Few days later, the younger sis of my uncle (my aunt i guess) passed away. Not a very gd tym for me. Few days later during the 'kenduri' for my unc, my cuzin's brother in law had a stroke and is in a critical condition as i type this.

I very much wanted to talk to u.

Before all these death started, i was in a war with my mom. Been having some disagreement. Things havent been gd at work too. U see it hvnt been a gd tym for me.

I very much wanted to call u.

My band isnt doing to well too i guess.

Honestly, its cuz my relationship wif one of them hasnt been gd. Y? Cuz his behaviour is really annoying me. I'll be honest wif u. Ppl say i over reacted abt the prank. They didnt understand my anger. Well for the first tym, i'll tell the truth to my reaction here.

Honestly, rmb back to the tym we went to watch soccer together for the 1st tym. It also mark the tym when u start joining us for the lepak sessions. Not sure if u notice but one of them was acting strangely towards u. Me n another guy, we were trying hard to make u feel comfortable n fit in. Y? Cuz of a story my cuzin boasted abt to us few mths before that.

He was telling us, rmb the gal he brought for this event during that tym ( i wont mention the event), well in his word, "kite gi pasir ris park buat keje hehe" complete wif the 'hehe' He was making a mockery of u. The way he tok it was as if u were another piece of meat even tho he insist there wasnt any penetration. N we tot u were his frens. As usual, me n the guy u label as my best fren can just look at each other n shake our head feeling embarassed.

Honestly, we didnt have a gd impression of u before we met u that nite. The best part was that he told us u were coming as if we never met. Mebi he forgotten he boasted abt u b4. But fact is, u redeemed urself but showing that u r not the person who we tot u were. The guy who act strangely towards u asked me during the match "Asal die murah nye?" I kinda scolded him not to judge n to remind him that at least my cuzin insist there wasnt penetration.

A few weeks later, when u started meeting us regularly, me n my 'best fren' teased my dear dear cuzin abt wat he boasted to us b4. All he did was laff it off. He wasnt even aware how we were trying our best to mock him n made him regret his actions. In some ways, i guess he did regret. Cuz a few days later he 'confessed' to us that everything he told us didnt happen n it was all made up by him for wat reason? No idea.

Few mths ago, u told me that u did go to pasir ris park wif him that nite but u said nuthing happen. I didnt 1 2 tell u what he told us cuz i didnt 1 2 hurt u. None of us did. By this tym u've oredy earned respect from me n my 'best fren'.

U insist nuthing happened that nite. I'll take ur word for it. Cuz what happened that nite isnt that important to me. What infurates me is the way he acted. It disgust me they way he treated u. N worst of all, knowing that u actually had feelings for him. Thats what made me so angry. There u were hoping he'll be the one n there he is, totally disrespecting u.

Honestly, mebi i was angry at myself for never telling u the truth. N when i first tot u were really together wif him, I cldnt stand the tot of how he talked bad abt u n showed total disrespect for u n never apologised. No matter how he say he cares, in my eyes u;re just a piece of meat to him. Thats y i got very angry.

Honestly, everytym i listen to the stories of lyf i also wonder is this the way u really 1 2 live ur lyf? I know things hvnt been gd to u too but pls, i beg u, it doesnt have to be this way. U cld have a better lyf. U dont have to stick to ppl lyk him. U deserve better. Dont be so scared to open up. Dun listen to ppl. U r 1 very special gal. Just be urself. Cuz u're just so amazing when u're urself n not purposely being mean.

Honestly, u asked me y am i so quiet a few days ago, truth is, i dowan 2 bother u wif my worries n my lyf. I very much wanted to tok to u especially when everything seems to go wrong for me. But, I feel that mebi im in ur way. I've always felt lyk im in ur way. I dowan 2 be a bother to u. Mebi u're better without me in ur lyf. So u wldnt have to worry abt hurting me due to the way i feel anymore. I noe how bad u felt when u found out the way i reacted abt the prank. I noe u felt so guilty. U even tried to hide the fact that u cried.

Honestly, I wanted to win the competition i entered for u. I even promised u i wld buy the thing u wanted if i won. I wasnt joking abt that even if u think i was. I wish i had the luxury to get u what u want. I wish i cld see u smile all the tym.

Honestly, i'm hurting ryt now. N thats the reason y im keeping my distance. I dowan to bring u down. Feelings cant be forced n i dont 1 u 2 feel bad cuz u dun feel the same way as i do.

I very much wanted to kol u.

So, i guess this is gdbye. Take care of urself aite. Don't let anyone bring u down. I noe for a fact u r not as bad as u think u r. Be happy k. Never think u're such a bad person. Don't think u're useless. I swear, u're special. U're beautiful. N i dont mean just on the outside. I'm glad i got know who u really r. N before i go, before i say my final gdbye, pls don't holdit against me to say smth for the 1st n probably last tym... I love you...

Gd bye my fren. Take care.

Shad checked in on...Sunday, January 06, 2008